You can't hurt me anymore.

lol i wish.

Hi guise!

So i told my mom i've always wanted a robe and the next day, she surprised me with one. Hahaha. :D

Hehehe. Thanks, mom. Now I can't take it off. Hurhur.

Is it just me or do i look like a baby?

Haha, this was my first performance ever. I look so young, my gosh. I'm looking back at pictures and wow, I look like a baby. 

Monday's aren't so horrible.

Today wasn't bad. Smiled and laughed a lot.(:

• Was almost late to school cause me and my sister were camerawhoring i the morning. Harhar. I borrowed her tshirt and she borrowed mine.  We were matching too so we decided to take pictures. We are such dorks, i know.

• Really failed my APBio quiz. Continued fish lab.
• Got moved away from Jasmine and Carmen in Spanish.): 
• Got full credit for my summer reading essay. Yay. 
• Lee's was funny. "I will never date a Chinese girl again." "I want you to draw a fat person running." Laughed a lot. 
•  We do nothing in Walker's class. Really. LOL. Copied down the rest of my APBio questions and talked to Mimi, Paulo, Bryan, and Dean.
• Taught Jasmine how to do some math in Devine's and didn't do the classwork.
• Talked to Jasmine afterschool. Oh em gee. So the truth comes out, eh? Awkward.

Omg.

First time in a long time that i cried so hard over a video or movie or something.

My ugly after-crying face.

I get so emotional over things like people being disabled, (mentally, physically, being deaf/blind, ect) Omg. I cried so much. I'm a loser.

My mom always wants to take pictures w/me. LOL

Fried chicken &icecream. (:

Hey guise. Today, me, Mimi, and Paulo were suppose to go do our project but we ended up messing around instead. We met up at 11 and took the 29 to Sunset. Walked up hella hills then took the 66 to a church. Lightweight awkward with Mimi and brastraps. LMFAO. Only took pictures with 2 churches. Was sooo hungry cause i didn't have time to eat this morning. We went to KFC and bought food. After that, i was so full but we went to get ice-cream from Marco Polo. <3 Best ice-cream place ever. Got lychee and fresh strawberry. Yuuuuuum. Then took the Metro muni to Civic Center. The church place Paulo wanted to go to was hella ghetto so we went to Forever21 instead. I want a high waisted professional skirt. Need moneeey. Paulo left us when we went to the lingerie floor. LOL.

Left and went to the Body Shop. Didn't get anything though cause we're too poor. ): Westfield to look at bras. Need to buy some from there someday. LOL. Saw cute clothes but we're too poor. Noo. Then took the J home. So tired. Saw DP. (: I'm excited to go there next weekend. I'm soo tired now. I'm currently drinking green tea while i type up this blog post. Good life.

Sweet dreams, world. (:

How attractive. 

Omg, look at my pretty nails. (:

This is actually my sister's bed. Lmao.

We all have a story to tell.

I miss performing.

It's been soo long. I miss Freddy and the rest of the Theatre family. My confidence has gone down and Theatre is the thing that rises it to an all time high. I'm getting that empty feeling inside of me. It's like performance withdrawal.

Camerawhoring w/family. (:

We were kinda bored. (;

11:11

I wish someone would come and make me feel wanted.

Every day is the same.

Hopped on the 14x with Alan and talked. Got to school, missed calls. Mimi told me Paulo wants to know how I like my coffee or what kind i like or something? LOLwut? Coffee is coffee. Add some cream and sugar and i'm good. But anyway, went to APBio. Quiz. Omg. I didn't fill out 10 of them. Yes, I counted. LOL. Spent the rest of class copying lab summary questions. Spanish, learned to conjugate -ar -er- -ir verbs all over again. Hrm, went with Paulo to his locker and got my Mexican Hot Chocolate. Yumyum, thank youu! :D Hrm, spent hrm doing Spanish hw and Bio questions. Ohgawd. Time went by fast 'cause of the amount of work i had to do. English, listened to legends on how the Earth was created.

Lunch, ate with Carmen and Jasmine. Wasn't very hungry. Media Arts, had a joined class in the beginning then went back upstairs. Did the do now then bell rang. Math, shitload of notes. Afterschool, talked and caught up with Jesus. Talked about Coro and the last day of Coro and stuff. Omg, funny shit. Then went home. Ate some bacon. And now I'm doing homework.

Every day is the same. Wake up. Go to school. Suffer through classes. Go home. Eat. Do homework. Sleep. Repeat. Ugh, it's the second week and I'm already sick of it. I'm the type of person who likes the unpredictable. I'm the type of person who likes living life on the fast lane. Well.. time to do the homework part of the cycle for a few hours then head to bed.

Crepes. Yayay. (:

Wednesdays are good.

Went to Mama's Art Cafe in the morning but Paulo never showed up. Ugh. Walked to school with Mimi and was mad that I didn't get my coffee. Spanish. Did the script. Ewh. Walker. We spent the whole period talking and the only progress we got was that we got our books. Wow. Talked to Mimi &Edmund. Hrm. Baltv. Omfg. Fuck my life. Really? Wow. -__- Lunch, hung out with Carmen and Jasmine. Devine, sat with Jasmine and Alan. (: They distract me so much. Before they transferred, i did all my work. Now, omg. I spent like 10 minutes on one problem. ._. Afterschool, went to JT with Mimi, Paulo, Leslie, and Rosalba. Got some free chocolate first. Ahaha. Got some cute crepes. Tried to shove the end in my mouth like Paulo but felt like i was going to throw up and didn't eat the rest. LOL. Omg. Went to some random shops then went to Daiso. Then went home. Took the BART home w/Paulo, Leslie, and Rosalba. That was 4 hours. LOL.

Went home and did some homework before we went out to eat with my mom and Ed. Went to some burger joint, i forgot what it was called. It was pretty yum. Found sunglasses. Picture below? Hahah. Went home, did homework, went to sleep.

Ew, my hair color is so dull and ugly.

My blogs used to be so detailed and now they're so vague. LOL. I used to be able to quote people and say exactly what happened. Not anymore. LOL. Good day though. I'm so tired now.

Picture time!

I just realized that i forgot to put up pictures from the Coro retreat.

One of our last moments together.

I'm so silly. 

Willie just likes taking candid pictures of me. LOL They make me laugh so hard, obviously.

I stay silly. xD

This was on graduation day. Oakland is beautiful.(:

Being tourists in Oakland w/Willie, Andres, and Melanie. (:

Melanie captures my awkward moments. (:

I miss these guys so much.

Relaxing.

I'm gonna put on a mask, listen to The Beatles, watch some American Dad, take a shower, then sleep.

How ugly. LOL.

Need to stop being so hard on myself.

I miss Theatre.

I don't even care that I'm a horrible actress.
It makes me happy, and that's all that matters.

Lately I'm not dreaming.

So what's the point in sleeping?

I hate my hair. I hate my voice. I hate my body. I hate my face. I hate how I'm not good at anything. I hate how I'm stupid. I hate how I have no talent. I hate how I dream too big. I hate how I can't commit. I hate how I'm useless. I hate how I'm a waste of space.

I'm such a horrible actress.

Why do i even try?

Mondays are long days.

APBio, new butterfly lab? Man, I feel like I'm falling behind in this class.

Spanish. So Ms. BH told us that the proper way to greet someone is to kiss them on the cheek, kind of. And so guess what we'll have to be doing tomorrow. Kissing people as a greeting. Omfg. Noo. Cootiess. LOL. I'm really not feelin' having to kiss people on the cheek.

Hrm. Cramps. ugh.
Dave. Blahblah. Nothing special.
Lunch, passed by quickly.
Media Art, watched a video. Don't remember much else.

Walker, sat near Mimi. Omg, the text she sent me. Noooo. Fml. LOL. Funny though. Couldn't stop laughing.
Devine. WTF, i don't understand crap. Alan is in this class now. (:

Afterschool, went to Safeway with Mimi and the rest of the boys following her. She bought me a donut. Harhar. <3 Went home.

My days are so boring. I got a lot of compliments today. LOLwhy? I looked ugly today.

Give me something to believe in.

Doin' my nails.

I'm ugly, but my nails are all glittery and pretty. (: Yeah, I always paint my ring finger slightly different from the rest. I like it that way. 

Nothing special.

Is it bad that I'm sick of school already? LOL.

Wednesday, short day. Got switched to Spanish 5 like i wanted! Yayay. No more APWorld for me. No geography tests. No more hours of notes. No more sophomores. (: I'm happy. I have Spanish with Jasmine instead. (: We're ET buddies too. :D

5th, WALKEEER. I love this guy. Every time i go to his class, i feel like it's a stand up comedy show that i paid to go to. Just love it. Copied Mimi's math hw since i forgot my fucking math notebook at home. Urg. But yeah. Lunch was regular. 6th, she didn't stamp our thing. Yaaay.

Afterschool, went with Mimi, Paulo, and Leslie to Cones and Cakes and Paulo bought us ice-cream. Mine was only $1. The cheapest one. GG Mimi's coupons didn't work. Yummmyy though. After that, took the 14 to downtown. The crazy lady on the bus was entertaining me the whole ride. Took the 30 to CT and went to her haircut place. Recorded the whole process. Harhar. (: The haircut is good, but they messed up the bangs. LOL. Went to the chocolate place. It was decent, but I'd expect it to be 'cause it's expensive as fuck.

Went home. Went out to eat with my mom and Ed. Lalala. Went home, rushed on hw, slept watching Family guy.

Happy birthday mom.

Thursday, regular school day. Ate wonton noodle thing after school. Home. Went out to eat for dinner. Mhm.

Friday, I just noticed that I barely talked to anyone. Just thought a lot. Mr.Walker's class is the most interesting. Afterschool, talked to Sophia and went home.
It's been exactly one week.

First 2 days of school.

First day. Dill's homeroom. Really? A sophomore homeroom? Awkward as fuck. I felt so awkward, I was out of there as fast as i could.
APbio. Sat with Dean.(:
APWorld. Full of freshmen. Wanted to transfer out.
Dave. CAST presentation about internships.
Lee. I don't really like the people in this class. Ugh, needa be working with them too.
Walker. OMG this class. Mr.Walker is so funny. I feel like I'm watching standup comedy. Laughed so much. This class is gonna be chill.(:
Devine. Homework and notes on first day. Ohgawd.

So much homework on the first night of school. BS.

Second day.

APBio, did the worm experiment with Dean. LOL.
Dave, icebreaker game. Ugh.
Hrm. Got a APWorld book.
Lee. Drew and looked at pictures.
Walker. Firedrill. Interesting stuff. But that annoying girl is too stupid for my liking. I'm so impatient with stupid people. God.
Devine. Classwork. Ewh.
After school, told Spence about my hrm issue. She told me to see Lee. Lee says to see her tomorrow morning. Ugh.

When i got home, i found they took me out of APWorld and put me in Spanish 5 like i wanted. Omg. I just got the book today and told Dill's I'd stay too. Omg, trollin. LOL. I have class with Jaja now though. Yayay.

Headache. Tired. Hello, Junior Year.

Day 67 +68. Last days of summer.

Ugh, sick. Lovely, huh? Saturday, didn't even want to get up off my ass. Mom forced me to go to Stones with her though. Didn't get my macbook cause she forgot her ID. LOL. Went again Sunday after going to the pancake house with Ed. Yum. Strawberry crepes. Hope i get better by tomorrow. Need to finish up my summer homework though. Yuck. My macbook is a beauty. (: But now I'm broke as fuck. LOL.

Day 66. Day to remember: Coro Retreat

This was a great day. The last day with my Coro family, just reflecting on the highs and lows, laughs and tears, frustrations and arguments to support and hugs. Reflecting on the 8 weeks we had together that felt more like 8 months. We started off in the lobby of the Coro office where everyone met. We bussed over to Crissy fields while taking mass amounts of pictures on the bus. We're so ugly. Haha. <3 Nothing but love. Nothing but love. (: When we got there, we started eating the lumpia that Josh brought. Yummy. Thanks Josh. (: Then we got into teams and came up with our team names and slogan. BOSSES. 4 5 6 SWAG TO THE MAX. Ahaha. We had the Olympics. Pass the bacon Pretty fun. We did more games and such.

Lunch time, worked on our awards to ourselves and watched a seagull take a large peck at the watermelon. My gosh, the birds here are crazy. LOL. Did the awards. Ate sandwiches and chips. (: Harhar. The photo scavenger hunt. LOLWUT. Take a picture of your team's toes? Get a stranger to marry two of your teammates? I remember i fell on my ass when i was trying to sit on the bench 'cus i thought there was a bench there. LOLOL. Ikenna laughed at me. ): Everyone did. Ahahaha. Anywaay, did that challenge and it was fun. (: Took a little break and Andrew came. Talked to him about the summer and what I learned and how he thought I grew and still needed to work on. Did the last relay. Funny. Then we got a chance to interview Ikenna and Andrew.

After all the hugs and goodbyes, we were on our way. Ikenna gave me a fat hug. <3 Ate some of Ian's snickerdoodles. Mmmm. Waited for the 22 for like an hour. Felt it. Bus- everyone be starin. Shoooooot. Funny shit doe. Melanie and Willie 'took care' of me and we went to Stones. Willie bought me fries. Owe you one. (: quinn works at Hotdog on a Stick. Ahaha. Took the 29 home then walked home cus i missed the 14. ._. Dad was across the street so went there. Ate some cake and talked to my cousin. Got home and chilled. (: Slept for a good 12 hours.

What a good Friday night. (:

Day 65. Coro Graduation.

Wow, i don't even know where to begin. Today was such a bittersweet day. So i met up with Melanie, Willie, and Andres at Bal Bart. Willie is a troll, he ain't running. LOL. On the bart, we tried to add Ikenna and we took lots of ugly pictures. When we got to Oakland, we were being like tourists and taking hecka pictures. Got to the building and played air hockey but the puck flew out the window. LOLOLL omg. Blahblah, lunch time, we ate pizza with the East Bay at this beautiful 'park'. I think if I lived there, my life would be happy. Sun everyday, and when i step outside, i see a beautiful fountain, beautiful flowers, and just everything. :D Funny though. Went back to work on our speeches and teach backs. We did a skit. :D

Actual presentation. I was soooo nervous to do my speech. UGH, i was shaking so much. I ended up improvising and not even using my note card. I didn't wanna cry when Ikenna gave his speech and introduced us. D: Thanks so much SF youth fellows. Thanks so much Andrew, Ikenna, and the rest of the Coro staff. :D After, hugged everyone. Got our hoodies. Yayay. (: Crissy fields tomorrow. Chillin. Hugged Ben. Gilberto, Andrew, and Ikenna and left with my mommy and sister. (:

Such a bittersweet day. I love Coro no matter how much i rant, bitch, complain, and wanted to give up on it. I wouldn't have changed anything about this summer.

Day 62, 63, and 64.

Day 62.

Er, regular monday. Don't really remember what happened.

Day 63.

Work day. Hustle hustle. Andrew said the only reason we got so many people to our last presentation was cause of him trollin' on the streets. LOL. Omg. I love when he trolls. We're making all the Coro people trolls. First, it was just Ian, Willie, and me. Then we recruited Melanie. Then Vannessa joined. Now Josh is joining. AND ANDREW TOO. LOL. (: I'm gonna miss these guys. I'll admit it.

Day 64.

CAP DAY. Our community action project was on the race to incarceration. I'm just so happy it's over and it was successful because we worked so hard on it. Went early, left late, and there was so much tension and frustration within the last few weeks. It was pretty good with the public speakers and performances. :D Mimi came. &Paulo came after. The liquid made me so hyper. Then we had an apologies and appreciation circle and yeah. Closing out. Then Ikenna let us leave around 2:30. Omg. :D

Met back up with Mimi and Paulo. They bought me iced coffee at Starbucks. :D Went downtown to shop for Mimi's bag. Everything is either too small, too ugly, or too expensive. ): Went to Walgreens. Ugly popcorn top things. LOL. Then they wanted to go home but it was like around 3:30. SOOO early so we decided to go to Mimi's aunts house. :D Ate fried noodles and stalked her facebook. Hurhurhur. Then we went home. Got home around 6:30. Wrote graduation speech for tomorrow and need to finish my APBio book. Argg.

Coro ending is making me so happy and sad at the same time.

It's fucking depressing

how I used to be passionate, driven, enthusiastic, and compassionate, but now I'm simply apathetic.

What the fuck happened to me?

Day 60 and 61

Day 60.

Work on a Saturday? Today was just an ehhh day. I guess it's alright cus yesterday was such a good day. Mhm. Just not feelin' it. At least we got a lot done. Mhm. Guess that's it. Bye guise!

Day 61.

It feels like such a long time since I've been able to stay at home and do nothing. it's strange. Haha. But the weather is ugly, I'm tired, and I really don't feel like dealing with people so it's all good, i guess.

I don't know

how to be fine when I'm not.

'Cus I don't know how to make a feeling stop.

Wut are these feelings?!

Sigh, I'm always one to want things I can never have. This is bad. School needs to start so my life can calm down.

Day 59. (:

Today was actually a good day. Surprising huh? I got to Coro at like 6:10 and everyone else came hella later. Started actually selling at 7 instead of 6:30. Me &Vanessa went and EVENTUALLY sold them all. Lots of trash talking, silliness, desperateness, whining, high fives, victory dances, and moneey. Ayeee.(: Next funny part of the day- drawing &trolling with Willie's agenda. LOLOLOLOL. We were having a group discussion and i just kept drawing Willie from all different angles. LUUUUL.

OMG ANDREW IS A TROLL. We were saying how we thought he didn't know how to troll but he trolled us so badly. Ahahah. Androuououou. Jessicha. Wut. "Jessicha, stop being such a troll, you'll get nowhere in life." LOL. Jessicha is toooo ugly. Soo funny. I laughed so much at him trolling. He's actually really chill outside of work. Oh and josh wanting to tattoo Ikenna's name on him cus his last name means "You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us." LOL that's totally not creepy. (:

OHH AND AFTER CORO OMG. So me, Melanie, Julie, and Willie were walking when this one man suddenly walked up and grabbed Ian's face and kissed him. LOLOLOOOOLOLOLOL. He was a perfect stranger and it was hilaarious. All Ian said was "Thanks." LOLOL OMG WUT IS LYf3? Waaaaay too funny. Today was just the best day ever. :D

Day 58.

Today was the last day of internship at EEOC. ): Saad. I had to do my internship Site Visit assignment today. I was worried i wouldn't impress.): But yeah, i practiced twice and it all went well. When I actually did the presentation, i fucking stumble over my years, lost my place in my script, forgot when to press the powerpoint, and spoke too fast again- which is something I always get feedback on and am trying to work on. UGHH I'm a failure. Talked to Andrew afterwords and he gave me feedback.

Then the staff took the interns out to lunch today because a lot of interns were leaving soon. Awhhh, how sweet. (: I ate a Cobb salad &vanilla bean for desert. Yumm. Thanks for lunch. (: Conversations were funny. They talked about politics- especially Sarah Palin, schools, discipline, and how being a lawyer sucks ass. Ahaha

Today was a good day. I'm going to miss everyone at EEOC. (:

Day 56 +57.

Day 56.

Can't complain about today. Did my presentation/internship project and it went well. Yep, can't complain. (:

Day 57.

Practically did nothing the whole day. Worked on the portfolio thing a bit and prepared a little for tomorrow. Eh. Now I'm worried because a lot of people said they were going. ._. Erm, left extremely early today. Keke. Went to Costco. OMG, found my Smirnoff Ice. But i can't buy it so... ): Got pizza and a churro. (: Yayayay, best day ever cus my mom got me dinosaur chicken nuggets and rose tea! :D Went out to dinner w/Ed. Sizzlers. I got my mom a whole bowl full of baby tomatoes. TROLOLOL. Went to his shop and sang along to the music with Teresa. Long car rides make me sleeeeeepy.

Pretty good day. Nervous about tomorrow!

It's battle amongst myself.

I guess I can say that this is the blog for today. Day 55?

Didn't sleep last night. Stayed up all night watching &reading Water For Elephants. I knocked out around 4:30. When i woke up, my reading light was on and I was still wearing my glasses. Haha. First thing i did was have coffee. On the bus, I felt like I was going crazy. I think I am. There were old ladies talking and this little kid who kept talking so loud and calling his mom. I killed him about ten times in my head in different ways in an hour. I had a headache and I felt like I was going to throw up. Felt like a lightweight hangover even though I didn't even drink last night.

Got more coffee at lunch. It helped a lot but I still felt like shit. I found out that Andrew was my sister's history teacher last year.. wut. WUT. I called her up and she said she thought he was soo cool. NO. BAD TERESA. LOL. Worked more. They want us to come in at fucking 6am on Friday. So bullshit. Really? -__- I don't even give a crap anymore. Didn't stay to watch the documentary shit cause they let us out at 6. I'm not down to go home at 8. Nope. Fuck my life. Coro makes me miserable.

Half of me wants to give up. The other half of me wouldn't dare. Battle between my heart and my head. My heart used to have passion that now got sucked dry and all that's left is nothing. I feel like i don't have anything to contribute to the group anyway. They would do perfectly fine without me. It would save me from lots of emotional distress, physical exhaustion, anxiety, and stress.

But my head stops me from giving up. I hate giving up. I have too much pride for that. Every time the thought crosses my mind and I've almost convinced myself that it's for the best, my head says "Don't you dare give up now.". There's only two more weeks left. Two more weeks and it'll all be over. Two more weeks and I survived. Perseverance is a good quality to have. UGH, i don't know. I guess it's bearable.

Jessica Ling isn't a quitter.

Every day is a bad day.