Don't listen to the voices in your head.

Listen to your heart.

1 week till my performance.

2 classes. 7 days.

I currently hate everything about my part. Eqrng;woebriS{V.

WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?! -__-

Finished driver's ed! (:

Now i get to drive with my mama for about 4 months or so then take the driving test for my license. (: Yayayay.

Retail therapy, anyone?(:

Realization.

This is the first time in my life that I've been scared over financial issues. It just occurred to me how much my mom spent for us to get by and live a normal life. She tries so hard to make it seem that we're well off and that we're doing okay but she's actually taking money out of her savings every month just to make it. My heart is heavy because i think of how much money she has spent on me lately and how difficult it must be for her. Single mom, raising two kids. Plus her parents. With a salary of a waitress. She tries so hard to make me have a normal life, of a family with both a mom and a dad. And cause i don't have that, she gives me double the love. I just don't fucking realize it sometimes.

And i feel like such a burden. If i weren't so stupid, she wouldn't have to spent $1000 on prep classes. If i weren't such in a rush to drive, she wouldn't have to spent $200 on a driving teacher. If i weren't so greedy, she wouldn't have to give me $75 for allowance every month. If i weren't so dependent, she wouldn't have to waste gas and drive me around everywhere. If i weren't so lazy, i could walk places instead of bus, which she has to spend $20 on every month. If i weren't so fucking inconsiderate, she wouldn't have to spend so much money every month for my phone bill. If i weren't so fucking greedy, i wouldn't take the money she offers me for my grades.

I'm so thankful for her.

I hate myself. I'm so ashamed. I honestly think that she'd be so much better off if I weren't born. But it's too late now. If it ended now, she'd have wasted 16 year for nothing and that's something I can't do to her.

And she says she's proud of me but I don't deserve it.

Hi. I have frootloops and i'm pretty excited.

Hi guise.

Me and all these dinosaurs blazing blunts tonight. Me and all these dinosaurs getting stoned tonight.

LOL. Trevor Moore. (:

I'm gonna start driving in less than an hour!

ef'jEQ:EBJERBnmerbregjw

I bit my tongue really hard.

And started tearing up. )': LOL.

UCBerk w/Coro &Musical. (:

I went to UCBerkeley with Coro today. When i went to take the bus, it said it would come in 22 minutes. AE:GNv. Then after a while, it said it would take longer. I decided to speed walk instead and actually got to Bal BART on time! Willie didn't answer anything so me and Melanie just went. Spent about 40 minutes outside of Downtown Berk BART station just catching up with everyone and waiting.

k i don't feel like blogging anymore. LOL. Just normal session. Barriers to college and how to overcome them. Scavenger hunt around school. Met cool girl named Kelsey. Went to Urban Outfitters w/Kenneth, Melanie, Vannessa, Kevin, and Steven after. They went to Starbucks and i really wanted to go but i had to go to the musical. BARTed it with an East Bay-er. Slightly awk. Dad picked me up. Cousin's house. Musical. House of Horrors. Pretty good. I liked the last one better, but this was still good. Bravo.

Went home. Showered. Ate. Essay. Slept around 12.

Lazy as fuck. Kbye.

Español

Yo quiero escribo un blog post en español sin google translate. Perdón mi Spanglish.

En la mañana, hace sol y yo piensa hace calor hoy pero esta muy frío durante el almuerzo. No me gusta la tiempo de San Francisco. En la biología, nosotros tomamos nos probetas y exámenes. Yo tomo un nota mas o menos. En el clase de español, nosotros leímos el vocabulario y practicamos mas. Homeroom, yo termino mi tarea de español. (: En la clase de Ingles, nosotros tomamos nos libros! Nosotros necesito leímos The Crucible. A almuerzo, yo paso un rato con mis amigos y nosotros vimos al performance de Drum Corp. 4th, nosotros vamos outside para filmamos nos proyecto. Es muy frío. No me gusta. 5th, nosotros miramos un película.

Después a escuela, yo voy la casa de Terrence con Erica y Benny. Terrence dime hot chocolate y oatmeal. Son rica. Nosotros jugamos a Wii y Super Mario. Soy muy muy muy mal a la game. Es muy comico y triste. Jugamos para 45 minutos y yo necesito voy mi casa para comer la cena. Todos de personas fue conmigo.

Hoy es no un mal dia.

Gonna spend the next two years with this baby.

(: <3

meh.

APBio, water labs.
Spanish, new vocab.
English, no more DEAR. Awhh. I actually liked wasting 20 minutes in the beginning of class to read. Plus, I'm one DEAR journal behind. D:
Media Arts, drew. Storyboards. My drawings of people are hilarious because they're so bad.
Pre-Cal. Oh. My. God. Got our tests back. I did SO badly. So badly that i wanted to cry and laugh. I laughed instead. But wow. Good job getting a horrible grade in the class right away. ._. Did the quiz. Failed even though i cheated. Andy eventually helped me on one of the last questions. He wrote it on a piece of paper and gave it to me to copy. I was so thankful. My gosh. <3

Afterschol, mom picked me and sister up to go to Sunset for their dentist appointment. Gave me $5 to buy shit at Safeway. Yay. Went to Bal for 8th graders day or whatever. Boring stuff. Went home. Got mad at my mom. When i get mad at her, i think horrible thoughts and make terrible wishes that i would take back when I'm cooled down. LOL.

kbye. Need to sleep.

Someone, anyone; find the passion that i once thought would last forever.

11-12- now?

Saturday.

My sister's birthday but she didn't even spend it with us. I was pretty depressed during the day. I don't know. I'm always bitching and depressed about one thing or another. Mom bought me a slice of cake and it wasn't that good. SAT. Went to eat with dad afterwards along with Teresa. Went home. Needed to write 3 essays. After i finished one, i baked brownies to procrastinate. Spent an hour picking out walnuts from the walnut brownie mix. LOL. I win.

Sunday.

Out to eat. Finished my essay while eating. Food stains everywhere. LOL. No money. ._. Stabucks afterwards! Peppermint mocha. (: Oh, how i love the Starbucks holiday drinks. Been 3 months since i've had any type of coffee. Felt so nice. Improved my mood so much. SAT. Went home. Had to pee so fucking bad while on the bus and the fucking bus driver was driving at a fucking snail's pace. Like really? -__- Ranting and raging in my head the entire time.

Monday.

School is normal. Theatre, rehearsal for the performance. It's shit with the whole group. Where is my time to shine? -__- Monologue, something? Herp derping all day, like usual. Excuse me if Theatre brings out a repulsive, energetic, unprofessional, childlike side to me. ._. I sometimes wish i could as serious in class as i think i am. I'm craving a good monologue to memorize. School's been really light on the homework lately. But shitload for SAT shit.

kbye.

Staying up to write 3 essays. ._.

Too fucking tired right now. I'm the biggest procrastinator ever. I spent an hour picking out walnuts out of a walnut brownie mix. LOL.

2/3 done. Sigh.

11.11.11

Woke up from a weird dream &my alarm clock rang just when i was about to do a trick that someone said would kill me. Right at the interesting part. -__- Woke up and it was raining. FUCKK. The one day i want it not to rain, it does. And it's the only day it rained the whole week. Are you kidding me? Life hates me. LOL.

Decided to go DT anyway for my sister's day. Denny's. Kind of bad service. Slow. But they gave us the wrong check- a check for one person's order. Like half the price of my order. So kay, their mistake. Then went to get lost a little. Disney store. Urban Outfitters. Everything here is so expensive, but i loved everything. I miss that dress. T__T Forever 21. Westfield. Was too tired so we just got Jamba Juice and sat around. Then decided to leave and i was bummed that nothing turned out the way i wanted it to. It was only around 4 and i planned to go home around 7. Decided to go watch a movie. First time in 3 or so years. LOL. Watched Jack and Jill. It was okay. Only watched it cause of Adam Sandler.

Right when we went outside, the bus came. Got off at Persia and walked to HBBQ. Spam masubi. (: Yum. Got home. Ate. Ate dinner. Trying to do SAT work. T__T Need to write 3 essays tomorrow. Fuck my life.

Happy Veteran's day.

Getting better.

Wednesday,school. Then went to eat with Carmen at HBBQ and then went to Quickly to get drinks. Omg, saw Gio on Mission! Caught up with him a little bit and exchanged the typical conversation when you haven't seen someone in a while. Miss him though. Mkay, Quickly's. Talking smack about the bitchy ass workers. ._. Then walked her home and headed to OoS. Genesis saw me and got off the bus and we walked together. Talked about anxiety and apparently, I'm not alone. I just really don't want to get it diagnosed because it'll be so much more real that something is wrong with me. But I think I'm ready.

Class was okay. Funny. Special ed voices and faces. LOL. Practiced the performance part a little. It was okay. I'm just hoping i get some stage time. Wow, I'm really all that I care about. LOL. Laughed a lot because of Alyssa dancing on us. Like i can't even. Then went home and ate yummy food. Talked to my madre and she let me sleep in her room with her. (:

Thursday.

Classes were shorter and we had an assembly. Sat with Mimi and the whole shit was so retarded. LOL. In 4th, Lee let us go outside to film so i just skipped 6th period. It was 30 minutes and i didn't wanna deal with math. Plus, i was craving Quickly. So yeah, i left and told my mom i had a headache. She didn't even care that i was leaving school anyway so whatever. LOL. Bought me and my mom Quickly to surprise her and then walked halfway home to take care of my grandpa.

Took the bus to DT with my madre. We are cheater cheaters. The bus was bouncing so much and my bladder was like imploding. T__T &a Mexican was staring at us the whole time. Got there and walked around. Pissed. Signed in. Bean bags! Got comfortable and waited for people to come. Ohgawd. My mom socialized. ._. Now everyone thinks she's cute. D: Watched the movie. Mom fell asleep during the beginning and then started watching at the end. I fell asleep at the end. LOL. Too comfortable. Comfortable bean bags + boring movie = knocked out Jessica. Afterwards, we went to eat sushi because we were hungry and the busses were trolling. Trolled again. Said 30 minutes but came in 5. Got home. Omg, random payment check people. Scared us for a minute but it was all goooood. Went home. Showered. Did a SATprep test thing.

Goodnight! Gonna head back DT in the morning. (:

You know I'm hitting rock bottom when i don't give two fucks about my final performance which is coming up soon.

Performing used to be the highlight of my life.

I have no friends.

How i spent my weekend:

Apple cider shots with my sister. Yep. LOL.

Hoy es lunes el 7 de noviembre de 2011.

When i woke up, it was actually bright outside. Nice for a change. School was normal. Got a text from Amy asking if i could go speak to the youth commission about our final event though. Afterschool, oh awk. Wasn't expecting that. OoS, pointless stuff. I'm so unenthusiastic about Theatre now. Fuuuck. I used to be so excited about going and it would put me in a much better mood than when i went in. Maybe it's the people. I miss everyone from previous classes. Especially Mireya, Gio, and Edgar. Oh well. Left during break.

Rafa drove us to City Hall and we basically waited and sat there for over an hour listening to long and boring powerpoint presentations. Me and Jessica just did homework. LOL. I really lightweight studied for math and did a sentence or two for Spanish. When it was our turn to present, we kept it short and sweet. One guy in the commission was a total cutiepie. Reminded me of _____ because of his hair. &He had a sense of humor. Did i mention that he was adorable? And i got his business card. Score! LOL. Not like i'll ever call him or contact him or anything. ): Hopefully I'll see him again at our final event because he said he got our backs for it. Hehe. Cuteeee. <3

Rafa drove me close to Mission &24th. Got lightweight lost for a minute and my mom kept confusing me even more. Let me tell you, being lost at night around Mission &24th is not a good thing. No no no. Especially when it's daylight savings and it's darker than usual. Went home and ate. Messed around with sister. Laughs about the stupidest things possible. LOL.

I guess it's time to hit the hay. Today was a decent day. (:

I'm fucking trying.

lunes y martes.

Monday.

Mondays are always hard. Here we go again. I'm so sick of this. Cut my losses. Kbye.

That might've not made any sense but yeah. Didn't feel like Halloween. Kind of wished i had a costume but not enough to go get one. Theatre, tried to be quieter because i have a feeling I annoy Freddy a lot. People asked why i was so quiet. LOL. Wanted to go trick-or-treating but no costume. ): Genesis says she'll give me her candy. Tooooo sweet. LOL.

Tuesday.

Samesame. I feel like i don't write good blogs anymore because nothing important ever happens to me. And plus, i have my journal to write important stuff in. School is the same. Trying to get by each and everyday and I'm so sick of this shit.

I'm sick of high school. Really wish this year would end. Senior year, too. Fuck high school and all your bullshit.

Mom picked me up after school and bought me ice-cream. Omg, and Popeyes cause it was Tuesday! Me being racist in Popeyes though. LOL. "Hakgwais" "SHHHH." "-chocolate people-" "That's better." LOL. Oh ma. (: But yeah.

Wednesday, please be better. Not likely, but I'm hoping.