Realization.

This is the first time in my life that I've been scared over financial issues. It just occurred to me how much my mom spent for us to get by and live a normal life. She tries so hard to make it seem that we're well off and that we're doing okay but she's actually taking money out of her savings every month just to make it. My heart is heavy because i think of how much money she has spent on me lately and how difficult it must be for her. Single mom, raising two kids. Plus her parents. With a salary of a waitress. She tries so hard to make me have a normal life, of a family with both a mom and a dad. And cause i don't have that, she gives me double the love. I just don't fucking realize it sometimes.

And i feel like such a burden. If i weren't so stupid, she wouldn't have to spent $1000 on prep classes. If i weren't such in a rush to drive, she wouldn't have to spent $200 on a driving teacher. If i weren't so greedy, she wouldn't have to give me $75 for allowance every month. If i weren't so dependent, she wouldn't have to waste gas and drive me around everywhere. If i weren't so lazy, i could walk places instead of bus, which she has to spend $20 on every month. If i weren't so fucking inconsiderate, she wouldn't have to spend so much money every month for my phone bill. If i weren't so fucking greedy, i wouldn't take the money she offers me for my grades.

I'm so thankful for her.

I hate myself. I'm so ashamed. I honestly think that she'd be so much better off if I weren't born. But it's too late now. If it ended now, she'd have wasted 16 year for nothing and that's something I can't do to her.

And she says she's proud of me but I don't deserve it.