Revelations.

So i went to the dentist today and my mom went to the doctor. After, we went to ABC together and she told me and my sister something out that she kept a secret for a whole year. I don't know what to make of the news. Honestly, I'm scared to death. Suddenly, small things that used to bother me don't anymore. A bad grade, annoying girls, heartless boys, those seem not so bad. I learned from Sam's death that life is precious and so fragile. But then again, i never knew him. But this time, it's my mom's life that may be in danger. She didn't go to the doctor to confirm it because she was afraid. She wanted to pretend that it wasn't happening. And this is what I'm trying to do. Thanks for trying to protect me- and everyone else- from it.

You asked me if i even cared and if it scared me. It does. I don't know how to express that. So i kept a poker face and tried to be strong for you. The last thing we need is to break down in public, in front of everyone. Everything else you said, i tuned it out. I didn't care about your customers, i didn't care about your friends, i couldn't stop my mind from wandering. That's when you started joking about how what if they confirmed it but you had to die because you were a year late and because of you not going to the doctors last year, it'd cost you your life. Then you laughed. It was a forced, painful laugh that brought tears to my eyes.

I know nothing's certain now except that somethings not right. It could be something small. But it could be cancer. And I'm so scared. What would a little girl like me do without her mom? Grandpa and grandma are too old. Dad's useless. My uncles and unties couldn't care less bout anyone but themselves. It all makes sense now. Your rush to buy a house. Your rush to get life insurance 'in case' something happens, we'll be protected. Your rush to save money and to travel everywhere. Your need to try to spend time with us. I get it now.

And all the guilt hits me. It slaps me across the face. I barely see you. And when i do, i bitch and cause you even more trouble. I get so mad, I'd wish you would die. I said that my life would be so much easier. It wouldn't be. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a spoiled brat. I'm sorry for being such a bitch. I'm sorry for pushing you away. I'm sorry for not being the perfect daughter you deserve. I would take it all back if i could. I need you. Teresa needs you. Grandma and grandpa need you. Please let there be nothing wrong. I need help now more than ever. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. But i am going to be a better person. I'm going to try my hardest at everything i do. I'm going to try to smile more and stop getting upset because of little things. For me. For you.

I know i don't usually tell you this. I don't say it enough- if ever- but I love you, mom. Keep fighting. Stay strong.