|
So it seems like all the girls these days have big insecurities and low self esteem. Also, they all seem to be depressed and everything. It's like it's the new 'cool' thing to be. That sounds mean of me but really, it seems like everyone's trying to exaggerate their problems for sympathy. But me, being me, i always have to go against the crowd.
I'm more confident than ever. I don't know where that insecure, shy, little girl that i used to be went, but i don't miss her. Now, i am so much more grown up and aware. Am i happy? I don't know. But I'd like to hope i will achieve that in the new year. I've grown so much in 2010. I said i would make it "my year" but it's been more of a 'finding myself' year, which i desperately needed. It taught me so much. I was lost. I was confused. I didn't know what to do with myself. I've become extremely happy with myself this year. Now that I've found myself, in 2011, i can focus on being happy and making it "my year". I know it may be hard, but I'm determined.
I thought 2010 was a waste of time, but now I'm realizing that it was a much needed journey to understand who i am and who I'm becoming. I can't say i haven't changed. Damn, i changed a lot. Especially recently. So how is it that I've discovered who i was but changed myself so much? I don't know, but I'm a better person so it doesn't matter. I've grown up a lot. Maybe a little too much for my liking. I feel like I'm more mature than everyone in my grade/around my age. I feel like I'm doing much bigger things while they're still a step behind. Is it wrong to feel that way? Well, it can't be helped. I feel like I have a mindset of a 17 year old.
I'm beginning to realize what i want, what i need, and what makes me happy. I've realized that i am beautiful- absolutely gorgeous. I'm amazing. I'm fun to be around. I'm funny. And that i deserve nothing but the very best because i try my best in everything i want to do. I'm absolutely, without a doubt, good enough. I'm turning into the person I've always wanted to be. Talented. Beautiful. Confident. Driven. Different. Passionate. I may have not imagined myself like this when i was a 7 year old, but little Jessica would still be proud.
This year went by too fast, but i don't think I'll miss it. It was i guess an important 'filler' year. It definitely opened my eyes, but i wouldn't want to relive it. I've realized a lot and that is going to help 2011 be even better.
I still have goals for myself:
- Get better grades/keep my grades up.
- Try to understand and get along with my fellow classmates/ 'friends'.
- Do more community service!
- Stay committed to everything.
- Continue acting on my interests and passions.
- Make a contribution to something important.
- Start playing my guitar and not quit again!
- Try new things.
- Curse less/watch my language.
- Try to have faith in people again.
Open myself up and reconnect my heart again and risk the chance of getting hurt. Never mind. Don't count on it.- Be happy.
- Stop judging people.
- Spend more time and get closer with family.
- Be more truthful.
- Continue growing as a person, artist, ect.
- Stay strong and be positive.
- Be a better person.
I'm ready to take on the world. Me against everyone. Let's go.
I'm excited for Monday. Well, not the school part, but for what's happening after school. Work. :D Omg, I'm probably the lamest person ever. But i miss OoS so so so so so so so much, i can't even begin to explain and you will never understand. It eased a bit since school ended cause it's only torture not having it to look forward to after school, but the want is still there. I miss the staff, the kids, everything. I hope the YAB will connect well, i have a feeling it won't be as good but I'm hoping. I'm hoping my classes will consist of the amazing people I've grown to adore, and new faces I'm excited to meet. 19 more days until class starts. I'm hoping every single one of my senior friends will be able to come back and have one last amazing session with us. OoS is like a second home. I love and miss it so much.
I wish i had that quality some people have; the one that makes people fall in love with you the minute you talk to them. The one that attracts everyone, the one that allows you to get along with everyone. The hilarious one who people want to be around. The people who make a big impact on others in a short period of time; that's who i want to be. But no, I'm just an awkward girl who can be really quiet or really loud at the wrong times. The girl who can't get along with everybody even though she was born to be a people-pleaser. The girl who would rather be alone than socialize even though she craves attention. The girl who tends to say the wrong things because she doesn't think before she speaks. The girl with the dirty mind. The one who can't have deep talks because she'd rather throw bad punchlines to ease the tension.
Here's to who i want to be,
It's about time everything about me changed for the better. I've changed a lot already, but there is always room for improvement. I will always be jealous of the people who are naturally hilarious without trying, the people who are extremely charming and sweet, the people everyone loves, and of course, always, all the talented people i meet. I will always want to be these things, but i need to learn to be happy with what I've got. I'm confident about my looks, but there's still so much I'd change about my personality. I want to accept every single part of me, good or bad.
I want to be the girl who gets through everything with a never faltering smile on her face. I want to be known as the confident one, even if that confidence may be a little bad for me sometimes. I want to be the talented one, the funny one, the considerate one. I want to stop judging based on first impressions, or without any justified reasons. Ultimately, i just want to be a bigger and better person, every single day.
Always,
Me.
 So, i hate my hair color. The orangish hair is coming out and it ain't pleasing me like it did last year. Should i dye it black again? Or another color? It's not really captured on these pictures, but trust me, it's there. Everyone asks if i dyed it. So yeah. Here i am, dying it again. :D
I feel like my classmates are on such a lower level than I. It's wrong, yes, but I can't stop it. It's probably because my maturity level is higher and we want different things. We're aiming at different things, so it's harder to relate. I understand that we all grow up at different rates, but I have such a hard time getting along with them. Maybe it's my poor social skills. Haha.
I want friends that get me. I want to meet people in my age group who are on the same level as I am. For now, I just have to take what i have. Not all my classmates are this way, of course. I'm sure there are some that I'd love to meet and understand.
I forgot to post pictures. I am aware of how stupid i look. Shush. LOL.
 
On a side note, my cousin says I'm a big flirt. WTH! I told her i didn't even know how to flirt and she says it's just the way i talk to guys. How i giggle, and how i talk cutely. WTH, it's how i normally talk.): Sigh. Hope i don't lead anyone on that way. ._.
Cause i want to get back into culinary arts. Visual arts too.(: I thought i messed up, but it turned out really good. Mkay.
Today, went to Kome. :D Made fun of Chinese accents. "Can i lick you?" LOL, I'm a creep. Oh, and staring at strangers until they look away from me. Ate. Went to Kohls cause my mom had a coupon thing? She bought me toe socks! WHUT? Omg.<3 Then went to Lucky's to buy ingredients. Damn, hella expensive cause we didn't even have shit that normal households would have. LOLOL. Now baking with my sister. Yee!(:
|
| Toe socks! Yee, I'm cool. :D My legs look like man legs. .__. LOL. |
This is what I get for starting to open myself up again. I just started and there is already a stabbing pain in my chest. I'm convinced that you're just trying to get to my heart so you can break it. I'm not going to let that happen. I was doing very well when I disconnected my heart all together, thank you very much. Dont try to change that.
I really want to gain more skill in visual arts, rather than only performing arts. Don't get me wrong, i love performing arts with all my heart, but i think it'd be useful to be more skilled in visual arts.
So i woke up with my mom asking me if i wanted to go out to eat. Had a weird dream. It was like i was held hostage by this monster/animal that was in love with me and we lived in the wilderness. It was kinda like Beauty and the Beast but i didn't love him back. And there were other animals held there too. I wanted to leave and eventually, we snuck out. The only thing i remember clearly was going to the dollar store with Jesse &Jack. So we were walking when we saw a crazy hobo with a scaryass dog. We got hella scared and ran into random stores which had no dogs allowed. Then we went into the dollar store and hid. We saw other students from OoS and they talked to them. Yeah, i don't remember much but it was interesting.
Got up and caught up with Mimi a little on AIM then went. She talked about her life. I find her life pretty sad because her only love isn't in her life and she doesn't have strong feelings for her boyfriend now. She talked about her childhood and stuff. Then we went to Walgreens. Bought a notebook that i could put anything that inspires me in. Also got a sketch diary because i think i want to start drawing again. I don't want to waste the lessons that i took. Thanks, mommy, for buying it for me.(:
Have a nice day, you guys.
Stayed up till 5 last night just talking and reminiscing our childhood. Sigh, nostalgia. Baked cookies, messed up one step and it left a horrible afterttaste. .__. Mm, doesn't feel like Christmas.
Then stayed up till 4 the next night playing cards. Thank you, Christian, for staying up to talk to me and wait for me to sleep before you did. <3 Especially when you had to get up early the next morning.
Then today, woke up at 3. Made more cookies and played cards the whole day. They were actually good this time because we made it from pre-made cookie dough. Ahaha. Pretty fun.
without someone to smile about.
So i found this notebook i had in my angsty depressive teenage phase. Half the notebook is filled with quotes. Quotes such as;
"Death is tragic, but life is miserable."
"My heart is an organ that produces blood, not an organ that produces love."
"Death is God's gift to us, and life is his punishment."
Over 50 filled pages with quotes like these.. Shit like self injury, death, and heartbreak.
Did i honestly have nothing better to do? What a waste of time. Did i seriously do this? I can't recognize the girl who would waste her time filling a notebook with quotes like these. It's stupid. She's stupid. I was stupid. Starting over; I will now have a notebook full of happy things, inspiring things, things that make me smile. That's much more productive, yeah?
I was such an idiot in the past. I'm glad i found myself now- or I'm getting closer to finding myself.
So my lovely sister bought me a much needed tuner for Christmas cause i wanted to start playing guitar again this year. So here i am tuning my guitars and uke. I got her a pillow pet. Hahah. Thanks Teresa. :D
I vow to play and not give up on it like i did a billion times. Feel free to remind me and force me to play. :D
..So due to my lack of patience, i popped my E string. It whipped my hand, but luckily it wasn't the face, LOL. My god.. So much for continuing to play. Needa get it fixed soon. ._. Karma, i suppose, for neglecting you for about a year.
So today I went to eat with my family. I was making fun people's Chinese names. And I was like predicting their children's names based on what the opposite of the parent's name was. So I was trying to do mine and I actually came up with a pretty name. It literally translates to Blue Rain or Lam Yu, in Chinese. LOL i'm good. For my sister, I made it hella ugly. I said Small Mole, Sai Muk. And if it was a boy, Lam La. But it's the boy version of Lam this time, meaning Boy Scar. Making fun of her mole is so fun. LOLOL
Then we went shopping. Again. Bought only one thing this time though. I'm brokee. :D I'm thinking of dying my hair again. Like the color of my mom's hair? Purplish red? But she dyed it on top of red so yeah. Purple. Maybe? Yeah? Part of it? I don't know. I'm also thinking of cutting it short again. Either that, or I'll dye it black. I've always wanted my hair to be black. I dunno. I guess I'll leave it as is cause everyone else seems to think my hair is "So cool". Well, it is, i guess. Sometimes. Maybe I'll dye parts of it.
Now, I'm camerawhoring with Break a Leg- The Spill Canvas in the background. :D I look pretty badass. I'll show you what i mean. LOL.
LOL, I'm cute though. Bored too, cause i was suppose to go to the DMV but my mom crashed into a pole. Ahaha. Now I'm stuck at home camera whoring.^__^ I got a a name for my gang, yo. POO CREW. If you ask, i can sing you our theme song. Actually. Here ya go, since i have nothing better to do.
We take out our guns. Cause that's our first weapon.
We put it in our pocket cause it's who's crew? Poo crew!
We have handcuffs, cause we stole them from the police.
We put it in our pocket cause it's who's crew? Poo crew!
The police caught us. that's our third warning.
We sit in jail and we think.. Think. Thinkkkkk.
Cause it's who's crew? POO CREW.
Yee. Just because this is in the tune of Blue's Clues theme song doesn't mean it's related. Don't judge me!): Even when i look badass, I'm still my dorky self. Hahah.
"Not even hell could be hotter than you right now."
Mr. Gorgeous sun, I missed you oh so dearly. Thanks for coming out and shining some light on my life. Literally. I need it.
And today, I know that tomorrow will shine again golden.
I went shopping with my family today. I wonder if my sister bought anything for me. The suspense is driving me crazy. LOL. Mm, I feel so old now. So mature. At some frozen yogurt.(: So yummy. Then went to the doctors. The little boys there are so adorable! Ahah. No pedo jokes, those are extremely annoying.
So at first, i was extremely pissed off for no reason and wanted to kill somebody. I even wanted to cut all my hair off cause it wasn't cooperating with me. Thank god i didn't. Then i went outside and was about to rage at my mom cause i was hungry. And now I'm laughing so hard at nothing and i feel greaat.
Ah, i think I've had too much to drink. But this beats that random pissy mood i was in. I almost forgot to finish this blog post mid-sentence. LOLOLL. Urg, I'm so sleepy now.
Now, I'm eating icecream cause everything is irritating me again. Not as much as before, but still.
Okay, have an amazing night, my darlings.(:
 |
| See, my hair isn't naturally straight! |
This was the day i went to Mimi's house to bake cookies with Mimi &Leslie. I was camerawhoring because i was waiting for Mimi to pick me up but she was late. LOL.
Urg. I'm just so confused. The butterflies I feel when I think about it tell me one thing. My brain tells me another.
Omg. My period is killing me. Sigh. Watched Beauty and the Beast today for the first time. LOL MY CRAMPS. OMG. And I'm hungry. ._. I was gonna make a long post about how i feel but I got lazy so bye. LOL.(:
I'm gonna actually try to gain weight now. Sigh. I wish i was normal weight.
I just realized what a big bullet i dodged with you.
I mean.. look how you turned out. You disgust me. Now look at me. Successful. Passionate. Slowly doing something with my dreams. Looking back at it, it makes me laugh. I laugh at the pain i went through because now all i feel is relief.
What a big motherfucking bullet i dodged. Thanks so much, fate.
I don't know what to fucking do.
I'm tired. I'm confused. I want the world to leave me alone. I'm so glad I don't have to go to school.
Tell my voice what it takes to speak up.
I haven't cried like this in such a long time.
So today, i hung out with Christian. I had no idea where we were going. He decided to take me to Delores Park cause I've never been there before. It was raining too. What kind of losers do that? Us, apparently. There was barely anyone there, besides people walking their dogs. I slipped on the mud two times. I like how i didn't get any mud on myself except for my hands. I'm clumsy, and I'm pro at falling now. I found out later that there was a fucking path. Thanks! D:< He knew there was a path but decided it would be "Funner" if we went through the mud. Omg. LOL.
Went to a cafe to wash my hands. He got me something even though i told him not to.-__- Thanks though. Then we just stood and watched the rain while talking about things i hate. Cheese, milk, chocolate, rain, exercise, ect. LOL. I hate a lot of things. Got into a conversation about periods. LOLOL. Then we couldn't get it out of our minds.xD Finally, i got tired and we decided to sit outside under the big umbrella.
We got to the topic of drawing and somehow, we ended up with Berta, Frank, and Robobby. Our children. But in the end, we killed them all. LOL. Frank was 30 and we actually saw some guy who looked like him. I laughed so hard. Ahah. Robobby was turning 7 tomorrow and Christian molested him because he drew a penis and i made it jizz on him. But we framed Frank. We are such weird people. We must've spent an hour or two drawing. We looked at the other tables and made shapes out of them. Funny stuff. I kept seeing penises, while he saw hearts. Ahahah.
When it stopped raining so hard, we decided to get going. We saw a drawn penis on the floor. Ahah. Took the J back. Counted the holes in the speakers. I thought there were 22 but he counted 24. I'm getting sick. Urg. I'm so tired even though i slept for 13 hours. Then he walked me home and yeah.
"Now I'm here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's sunsets and silhouette dreams."
So today, i had to wake up early to go to Mimi's house to bake cookies with her and Leslie. Picked me up and went to Safeway. Her car is fancy. O__O LOL. Got the ingredients. Went to her house and made cookies. They were yummy. +Played 'Are you smarter than a 5th grader'. We were gonna win but Mimi didn't listen to me and put fucking 'mucus' instead of 'blood'. -FP- Made fun of her playing other games.
Went upstairs and made fun of her music. Read her old writing. They were all about food, cats, and shit. LOL. That's how we created KoolKatzKorpse. Decided to make a hangy thing for her room. Saturn. LOL. Cause she thinks it's glow in the dark and keeps saying Jupiter. It looks sexy. Hid KoolKat drawings all over her room. LOL. She'll never find them..:D Hi, I'm KoolKatKing. Leslie is KoolKatKi and Mimi is KoolKatKong. LOLOL. We're cool. :D Then after we finished that shit, we went back downstairs to make sugar cookies. So many dang bugs. .__. Apple Cider. Er, and that's it. Productive day.
"Paying for love and paying it naively."
 |
| It all starts with setting up.(: |
 |
| Working hard, broski.(: |
The crew that made it all happen. The YABers.(:
Hey, it's the beautiful actors. Our amazing teacher over there, Fredward. Ahah.(: Muni Fight Scene. Too bad they didn't get a picture of the stage kiss! Haha.
Take a bow, you lovely performers.(:
 |
| Audience improv. I yelled at him quite a bit. xD |
 |
| But it was all good.(: |
And at the end of the day, this woman saved me from all the abuse.(: Haha.
It was such an amazing night. I would give so much to be able to relive it..The pictures are too small for you to see the smile on my face, but it was there.(:
The hardest final was Gonzo's. I'm positive i failed it. Afterschool, went with mom to eat and went downtown to the doctor. Omg, it's not cancer. It can turn into cancer, but it's not cancer. She bought some coffee for me.(: Bought some greentea icecream. Yeah.
Out of it today. Highlight of the day- before lunch with Eli. Those 5ish minutes were the best part of my day. Ahah. You hilarious.
I miss OoS. Oh what i would give to relive Friday night.
I wish i was filled up on coffee or someshit right now.
"You light up my life."
The way i think. The way i act. The way i feel.
It's like I'm a new person. Well, i did say i wanted to change, right?
I hope this is for the better. I can tell you one thing though; my confidence is at an all time high. I've never loved/adored myself this much. Maybe just a smidge too much sometimes.
Took the 88 with Alan and walked with him today. Good talk. Ahah. Gym final, I'm so outta shape. Made fun of people doing their pushups. Missionary. When i was doing my final, we had to touch the balls with our chest. And i screamed out "DAMMIT, i wish i had bigger boobs!" and started laughing. Ms.Glassman told me to shut up though. ._. Ran the fucking mile. Couldn't do it. Walked with Carmen since we were in so much pain. And our time magically lowered somehow! Ahah.(; And I kept shaking, my hand was freezing cold. Andy gave me his jacket and Jacky gave Carmen his. Thaanks.(: Someone told me they were gonna join OoS but she didn't know which class yet. WUTNO! I'm so protective of it. I want it all to myself. It's all I talk/think about. And i dreamt about it last night. I miss it so much, more than anything.
I think I'm in love with it. Seriously. Ahah. Went to the counseling office with Mimi afterwards just to steal all the applications so no one could apply. There were none, luckily. :D Looked at volunteer places and shit. Not much luck though. ._. Went home &ate some yummy potato thingies.
Went to the mall with my mommy after eating some sushi she took from the buffet. So Asian! LOL. Bought a ring and bought my sister a pillow pet. :DD LOL. Got hit on at Serra. The boy was too shy to talk to me himself so his friend came up to me and told me he wanted to talk to me. He got hella shy and shit. Aww.(: Ahahah. I rejected him softly and then left. I kept seeing them everywhere after that though and each time, his friends yelled out "JESSICA!" Ahahha. They were probably stalking me. But i would do that too if i was with a group of friends and found a hot guy by himself. Yessir. Ahah. Got some icecream then went home.
Good day.
"There was not a single spark when my lips landed on yours in the dark."
Today wasn't all that bad. Finals were pretty easy. Houston final, i finished in one hour and spent the next playing on my itouch.(: Afterschool, went to El Farolitos and Safeway. Talked about OoS. Omg, i miss it. It's basically on that's on my mind. I've fallen in love with it. Ohmy. My favorite actress is myself. I'm so goddamn cocky. Ahah.
I love my sister. I texted her that i was craving french fries and she bought me some. Thankyouu. ;D
Not that bad of a day. But my mom is PMSing. Ohmagawd.-__- &my legs are sore.
"And the swaying of your hips leave me speechless."
It's hard going to school with nothing to look forward to when school ends. Omg, this is only day 1. I miss OOS! It was chill in Gonzo's class. Ate food and watched the Simpsons.(: Afterschool, went with Cary to Out of Site to turn in his application. Honestly, because i missed OoS so much. No one was there though.): Went home.
My blogs are so stupid with just school. I remember a time when just school was enough. But since i got involved with OoS, it's been the best part of my day.
So as you guys know, last night was the final celebration of the Fall '10 session for Out of Site. My, oh my. I don't know how i feel.
This session, i got back into Drumming. Alfie just makes this class so fun and enjoyable. We went through rough patches these past few months but we got through it. We also started a music production class on Thursdays. Let's be honest, i didn't like that class so much. I had constant urges to ditch, but i couldn't find the heart to because I just love Out of Site too much. We had a lot of newbies this class and the people here last time, left. They were all too busy. I missed them lots. Lots. I definitely improved this time. I fell in love with the snare. I got so much better and led the newbies on the middle. And it was just a 'success' feeling. I'll definitely be returning to this class. No doubt. (Oh my god! I just discovered the bruises! Ahahaha. I was so focused on my hands hurting that i forgot about my legs! Both my hands have ugly baindaids on them. And both my legs have disgusting bruises. Yuck. But i still wouldn't give it up.)
I also joined Theater and rediscovered my love for it, and for that, i cannot thank you enough. We had an amazing teacher, Freddie. He showed us that he truly cares about us and our success. He taught me a lot. I definitely improved and that's all i can ask for. I met such good people who i otherwise would not get the chance of knowing. People i got close to and have so much inside jokes with now. Also, i became really comfortable with them. I don't mind performing in front of them, or messing up in front of them. This class definitely boosted up my confidence- at least doubled it. I am way more confident and happy with myself. I enjoyed this class so very much and I'm definitely coming back.<3
This year ended so quickly. I said that i would make it "my year", but it's been anything but that. It was pretty bittersweet. But, without OoS, i would be extremely miserable. I'm absolutely sure. I cannot imagine not having Out of Site in my life now.
Why am i such a bitch towards my mom?
It's like my own family doesn't even support me or have time for me. That's how i see it. Last night, performing, i saw faces of everyone's supporting family members. But did i find a familiar face? No. All my family members were at home, or wherever. Except my sister- she wanted to come, but we had no time to pick her up. So i start yelling at my mom, telling her to get out and saying my own family doesn't give a shit about me. She went on telling me that she did drive me there the whole week. Which is true.. She said that she has to work and everything and if she could, she would. I kind of doubt that she would, but whatever. I guess she has a point. I've always been more independent anyway.
I think while writing this, i understood a little bit more about myself. I seek attention from others because my family doesn't give it to me.
My feet hurt. It hurts to walk, or even just stand. My hands hurt. Both my fingers have layers of skin peeled off. It hurts when anything comes in contact with it. My middle finger has a painful bump on the side. My right thumb is kind of raw also. And I'm so exhausted, I feel as if I could sleep forever, but I only get 7 hours. And next week is Finals and I'm screwed.
My life feels extremely messy and useless.
But tonight, I'm on top of the world.
I just wanna get school over with so I can perform. First period was good, I'm an attention whore. Me and James's competition to clap first. LOL. Every other class was stupid. I'm so excited and dreading the performance. I also found out that all of the CAST students are required to go. Ohmagawd. Niggashitt. Not only cause the nervousness and cause I'm unprepared but because it's the last night of OoS. How the hell do I survive without it? I don't even know. Just thinking about tonight gives me major butterflies and It feels like I'm gonna be sick. Feels like I wanna throw up or something. Omg. .__.
Where to even begin with my night? Well, i got there and started working right away. Then Christian and Jack came in. I looked right at Jack and didn't think much of it until I'm like "JACK!" and ran to him. Omg!! He promised he'll join next session. Yesyesyes! It was rough. Everyone needed us all at once. Freddie needed us. Alfie needed us. Amy needed us. We needed to finish travel map and everything. Omg. Drummed. My gosh, i played so intensely, for the first time ever, i got a blister. Or it's going to be a blister. It hurt so bad. Ran backstage and ran through our show with Freddie. Christian kept trying to touch my hand to make it feel better but it stung so bad every time it came in contact with something. Got some tape and taped it up cause Jack told me to. It worked. Thanks.(:
Talked and introduced and stuff. Drummed outside. "You're gonna wake up the hobos!" LOL! They actually did come out and watch us. Theater class performed. Omg. I messed up once but no one noticed. Maybe twice. LOL. Did the improv scene. That was the only thing i was nervous about, the improv. It went pretty well though. Everyone wanted to stop at the part Christian slaps me. Ahaha. That lady who saved me. <3 LOLOL. John, i yelled at him. Cause he apologized and shit after the slap. I guess i went too harsh on him. It was just acting. Don't worry.(: LOOLOL. After the show, everyone told us what a good job we did. My gosh. It was amazing. I can't describe to you the feeling that i felt when someone told me i was good, or amazing, or did a fantastic job. This was my first theater performance on stage and so i had my doubts. Thanks so much, you guys.
Talked to Jack and ate icecream. Stupid Christian was all taunting me, going like "Lick it. Mhmm." LMFAO. When he called all the YAB members on stage, i didn't move at first, then i was like "Oh yeah! ME." LOL. I was eating my icecream on stage and Jack was embarrassing me, going like "Tastes good, huh?" And Stacy- "Lick ittt." LOL. You guise. ._. XD Saw Marcus! He told me i did amazing and asked if it was my first time acting on stage. I said yes and he told me that I fit so well in Out of Site. That means a lot to me coming from someone as talented as you, thankyou. Helped clean up and stuff after. Fredward gave all of us a rose. Oh my. It's so obvious that he cares about his students. But he gave me a B-, C+ when it came to following instructions and staying on tasks. I know though. I know. I cannot wait to join you again next year, along with Jessica, Mireya, Lexi, Eli, and Stacy. Christian is ditching us.): Ahah. Got extra foood. Yumyum. Got to take some home.
I hate to say this, but i actually had those thoughts again The "What is worth living for?" "They'd be better off without me." "Just put me out of my misery." thoughts. And after tonight, I feel great. Or at least, much better than i was before. Theater has saved me. Out of Site has saved me. And this, all this, this is what i should live for. I actually talked to Christian about how i felt- that's rare. I don't talk to anybody about how i feel. He just held me and told me he was there to talk whenever. Thank you. You make me feel so much better, really.
My mama just said she was proud of me.(So did James! Ahahah.) That's all i ever wanted.
Tonight is so amazing. I can't describe with words how amazing tonight was. I don't even have a synonym for amazing. Just indescribable. I'm still getting 'Good jobs'. I feel so on top of the world. What a great way to end the session. I'm so excited for next session. I already miss it.
"I have my performance tomorrow. Omg."
"What are you even worried about? You've been waiting so long for this. You're gonna be perfect. Just be yourself. You're my daughter, you got the performing blood in you. I used to love performing when i was young too. And even if you do mess up, so what? You're so young; it's what you do. You can mess up 20 times and it'll still be okay. But you're going to be amazing."
I love you, mommy. I'll remember your words forever, before every single performance.
It feels like I'm falling apart.
Woke up hella late. 7:30, it was the latest I ever woke up, and I had to be out the door by 3:40. Spanish, studied and listened to music. Houston，fixed my 0's. 100% nigga.(: Gym, Andy is like the perfect badminton partner. He's hella good and our games are always intense.(: GSA, my god. Dean is so useless and irrelevant. Ahah. Got a ride to SomArts. Helped bring stuff in for Alfie and Josh. Mhm. Everyone else arrived hella late. Helped Amy set up. Basically set up the Pie Ranch wall the whole time. I got extremely annoyed of their perfection when i would usually laugh it off. I got extremely annoyed of her clingyness, when i would usually roll my eyes and continue doing my thing. "He's mine." " My -----" Yeah, I'm closer to him, okay? Gtfo, I'm not even trying to compete with you.
Agh, when you compliment something I'm insecure about, it makes me more insecure about it.. Christian and Jesse.<3 Cause they cared about me and gave me comforting words and hugs. My mind is all over the place and i can't do anything right. I wish i could take your advice and sleep but i have a project to finish up. Then finals next week. Without Out of Site too. I already know I'm gonna be miserable- more miserable.
I'm never enough.
"You left me with a broken heart, now i see you as i should've from the start."
Stupid. Useless. Disgusting. Worthless. Weak. Insecure. Alone. Impossible. Ugly. Annoying. Emotional. Dramatic. Horrible. Lazy. Stubborn. Replaceable. Forgotten.
Disappointing. Talentless.
We all flirt with the tiniest notion of self conclusion in one simplified motion. But the trick is that you're never suppose to act on it. No matter how unbearable this misery gets.
Self Conclusion- The Spill Canvas.
This song saved my life tonight.
Today felt like it was gonna be horrible. ._. Coffee, cause it make me feel better. It did its job.(: It makes me happy and energetic. And I'm absolutely addicted. Ate Brendan's food in Houston. Threw it up and caught it in my mouth. Yee, broski.(: English, finished my rough draft and got it read over and stuff by PJ. Constructive criticism. It's always welcome cause there's always room for improvement. Always.
Now i understand what people mean when they say they don't recognized who they see in the mirror. I got home and just stared at my reflection thinking "Who are you?" I don't even recognize myself anymore. I just stared until i felt absolutely sick. ._. My god. Things will get better, right? I'm still waiting.
Theater was coo. Our stage is small but the place is big. RAWR. Babysat Eli. He taught me his rap but i only knew the last word of every line, besides the first and last lines. "Yo, I'm from Frisco. ......Disco! ......Fool.... School...abcdefghijklmn FACE. LMFAO, i don't even know.xD He said my Dora bandaid was inappropriate cause she's in a leotard. LMFAO! Hot. Ran through the show. Me and Lexi switched places in the first scene cause her bf and dad had problems with the stage kiss. Okay, it's not even real though, but they don't understand that.
I told Christian about my situation. Very vague though cause i could feel tears. Wow, after days of trying to cry, it comes out at the worst times. We had to do the performance again so i sucked it up, wiped my eyes, and put the smile on my face. But let me tell you, i messed up big time. So much that i stopped, thought for a minute, and still didn't know my line. Okay. See? It just throws me off my game. I think we basically got it all down though, besides the ending, that is. Freddie bought us pizza and soda. MYGODMYGODMYGOD. You do care about us. <3 Hahh. Ate with Lexi, Mireya, and Elisha. 10 Eli points! "Take off yo pants. NOW!" Ahahah. I'm collecting my Eli points. 100 and imma make you take off yo clothes.(: Ahah. I don't touch you while you sleep!D:
GIRL, will you please stop fucking 'helping' me with my scene? It's my scene. It's my character. I made her up. I know her better than anybody. Shut the fuck up. Okay? Okay. I don't even wanna deal with you. Goddamn. I don't fucking correct you even though i can list down 10 things wrong with it right off the top of my head. Why? Cause 1) its rude. 2) it may come off as harsh 3) its fucking not my business. So please, get the fuck off my dick. I know what I'm doing. Don't tell me your mind doesn't mess up sometimes and that you're always perfect. No. I fucking know that i lost my thoughts and messed up my line. Will you just fucking laugh it off like everyone else instead of giving me shit about it? I don't understand why you have to monitor everything i do and make a scene out of it. Constructive criticism is always welcome but you're just criticizing to make yourself feel better. Gtfo.
Omg, was singing Figure it Out by Plain White Ts with Christian. Yesyes. The biatch got it stuck in my head. He carried me to where the rest of the group was but i didn't wanna be part of them. That is, until i heard them sing Remembering Sunday. Then i played it on my phone and we all sang.(: This is the best song ever. Then sang Panic! At the Disco. 9 in the afternoon. Lying is the most fun. Ect. I love these motherfuckers. Lexi! HOE! Don't be up on my boyfriend HOE! LOL "We make such good black gurls." LOLOLOL! HOLD MY WEAVE!(:
"I'm gonna ask her to marry me."
I mean seriously? Acting? Music? What's wrong with me and why can't i be normal? Why can't i aspire to be an accountant or teacher or waitress or something? Why does my interest only lie in arts? Mainly performing art. I knew since i was 11- when i first dreamt the dream- that it would cause me a lot of pain and tears. When i was 13, i gave that up. Now that I'm back on it and stronger than ever, i feel the pain stronger than ever. The doubts. The worries. The tears. My god, I'm so sick of this.
But the last thing i can do is give it up. I remember, just a few days ago, i was thinking "I think I'm in love.. with acting." First, it's the only thing on my mind lately. Second, it makes me smile whenever i think of it. Third, we have bad times and we aren't always compatible. But in the end, i still love it with all my heart and refuse to let go. Why is this so painful?
I feel like if i could cry, i would feel so much better. But the tears and the emotion won't come pouring out. This is the problem with disconnecting your emotions. You just can't cry. Believe me, I've been trying to let it all out for days, but I feel incapable of it. I wish i could, i think all the stress would come out and I'd feel so much better than i do now. Right now, it's like i can feel it building it. It's building, building, and i don't know when, but i know it's gonna explode. I'm gonna explode and have a hardcore breakdown. Lovely.
This is an even worse feeling. I've been feeling absolutely horrible.
Omg, what am I getting myself into? I don't think I should, but curiosity gets the best of me. Plus, openminded, right? Try everything once. This is taking way too much of my thoughts. ._. Ugh. Drumming was good. Finished up last minute stuff. I got mostly all my parts down. Noo, this Friday will be the end. I'm extremely disappointed because of it, but oh well. Recorded and stuff. We were writing a stupid song, then Emily came and made it so good. ._. 2 minutes and she made our song better by 100%. She even sang it amazingly. Oh my god. D:
Christian comes in and tells me to sing because he recalled that i said i liked to. Please no! Leave me my dignity. Oh, and he tried taking pictures of our class the whole day. I am shy today. ._. Monica- "She's camerashy." "YEAH!!! I am.(:" Christian's like "Bullshit, you take pictures of yourself all the time." SHUTUP! LOL! Then he was begging me to sing. No.): Then me and Jesse were talking about dimples and i said i wanted dimples. He said i already had dimples. No i don't! :0 He asked Christian and they both said i do. Then he talked about how they discussed it before. What? Discussing my smile? No. Wow, i feel extremely insecure today. ._. But yeah, talked to Khalil on the bus and yeah. Found out he lives pretty close to me. :0
"Love of mine, someday you will die, but i won't be far behind."
Like honestly? Okay, let's be honest. The whole truth.
Cause it makes me look/feel older. And i know i can be very contradicting on this topic. I do hang out with people older than me. I also do things that a normal person my age wouldn't have the honor of doing. I spend a lot of my time with adults. And when I'm with people who are much older, i feel extremely young. I feel like a baby- and i may still be one- but i don't like being treated differently because of it.
Looking older helps put my mind at ease, yaknow?
SinntoxMimi 10:13 pm
(10:13:08 PM): ME GUSTA DICKS
They make me sound insensitive and bitchy.
This is why i don't feel the need to speak most of the time. Cause i always blurt things out without thinking about them.
  It was such a pretty flower. Smelled very good too.(:
Mm, today was weird. Houston, I was hella giggling and being stupid. Jacky was actually helping me and giving me answers. LOL. The roles are switched. Gym, walked and talked with Carmen and Jacky. Cossick, I finished almost 1/4 of my essay. Omg :D. LOL. So afterschool, i offered Stacy a ride to SomArts and then Amy calls and texts and tells me that we're meeting at OOS and to tell Stacy that. She was helluh lucky she was with me or else she would've went all the way there. We got there. Elisha wasn't here today; something about his throat. "Have you ever been in love?" You are so random. LOL. But no.(: Doesn't sound very pleasant and right at the moment.
Kissing nasty ass people now? XD Very productive today since he wasn't there. But i missed you!! We sang your busdriver song for you. Mireya remembered it. LOL. Jessica tried getting me addicted to JB again. C'mon now, that was in 6-7th grade. But i couldn't help subconsciously singing along. OMGAAH. LOL. Oh, and the state senator is coming to our performance on Friday. No pressure.(: LOL..__. Practiced. Stacy tells me to 'stop smiling' or stop looking like i want to smile. I'm not seriously... wow. I'm smiling cause Christian didn't remember his line, not because i can't control it. Please, just focus on remembering your poem. The show's on Friday and you still can't get it right. Okay? Okay. Me and Alexis were talking about The Human Centipede. Omg. Apparently, it's hella popular around CAT now. LOL.
More funny stuff happened. Oh, me, Mireya, and Alexis were writing the 'finish the sentence' things on the board. Like each person writes a word. It was pretty funny. LOLOL. Mkay. That's it. I was off the whole day. Running my mouth and not comprehending the words that I'm speaking. ._. Christian could cry on cue. WHUT!? NOO. I really want to learn how to do that. He says to not think about unhappy things, but to just focus on getting the tears out. The unhappy thoughts doesn't work for me cause i tend to live in the present or future so once it happened, it doesn't affect me anymore. Yaknow? Yeah.
"I feel your butterflies. If we kiss, will they fly away?"
And I'm gonna make them count.
Cause i can't call it Christmas without somebody to smile about.
Honestly, this growing up issue has been weighing on my mind a lot lately.
I'm 15 years old. I'm practically a baby. I can not provide for myself. I can not live by myself. I can not take care of myself. I'm simply too young. One thing i don't understand is why people my age are in such a hurry to grow up. Man, I want to take my sweet time. But i feel like I'm growing up too quickly. I may be too mature for my age. I may be carrying an immense amount of weight on my shoulders. I may be more mentally developed and logical than other kids.
But I am, by no means, a young lady. But that's alright, i have 5 years to learn how to be one. I cry. I throw fits. I shut myself up in my room. I get mad at my parents for no reason. I do the most ridiculous things. But that's normal cause I'm merely a child.
I'm honestly in no hurry to grow up.
The less you notice me, the more i want you.
Once i have you, I'll let you go.
The more i can't achieve something, the harder i try.
This trait can be either good or bad, depending on what the 'thing' is.
I need to write a poem in Spanish for my project. I need inspiration, but i can't find any. Urg. Maybe I'll just use Where I'm From and change it up a little. It'd be good last minute practice for Friday anyway.
But i feel uncomfortable sharing one of my pieces to my class. I'm not that confident. Especially sharing with a group of judgmental strangers. I don't share my poems and songs to even the closest people to me. They're too personal. They reveal too much. But i have to do what i have to do, i suppose.
This is my first product:
What do you see when you look at me?
What is your first thought- first judgment?
They tell me I'm living life too fast.
That I'm growing up too fast.
Or that I'm too immature.
And i have no idea what I'm doing.
You don't know me.
And I'm not who you think i am.
I was fine with it and everything. Then i read it over later and hate it. I decide to start over.. Sigh, back to square one. Bare with me. I'll write all my stupid drafts up here. It beats having balls of crumpled paper all over my room, lol. .__.
So i think about it. "Write about what you know. Write about what you feel." And i come up with this.
Center stage.
My moment's finally here.
All eyes on me.
Waiting for me to mess up.
I hear him yell out "Action"
But I'm still in a daze.
How many people are there in the audience?
And how many of them do i know?
I hear my name being called.
And i come back to reality.
I smile.
Time to put on a show.
Since basically, my performance is all that's on my mind lately. I guess this one is a winner. Kind of brief, but it's fine. Let's see how it sounds when i translate it to Spanish.
Centro de la escena.
Mi momento es finalmente aquí.'
Todos los ojos en mí.
Esperando a que me lío.
Lo oigo gritar "Acción"
Pero todavía estoy en un sueño.
¿Cuántas personas hay en el público?
¿Y cuántos de ellos puedo saber?
He oído que mi nombre sea llamado.
Y vuelvo a la realidad.
Sonrío.
Es hora de montar un espectáculo.
I like the way it turned out, even though some of these words are hard to say. Let's hope google translator did it justice.(:
Gym was fun today. Badminton with a watterbottle. LOLOL. Glassman just had to ruin the fun though. Today's Friday so no OoS. I feel so lost without it.): Houston's class, got into a debate. Me vs. The sub and TAs. I was right. LOLOLLOL. People said I was hella smart and I should become a lawyer and shit. Bio, I was told I should teach instead or become a scientist or something. Honestly, I suck at Biology. I'm just smart compared to you guys. I honestly just blog/read/surf the web the whole class. Everyday. LOL.
Afterschool, went home. Ohmygod. I feel so damn lost without OoS. I feel empty and cold. What happens when i have to live with a whole month or so without it? I'd be miserable. Man, this is how much control it has over me. Even if i say i don't want to go, i know i would rather stay there than be at home or elsewhere. Man, what happened to me? Last year, when i didn't have OoS, i didn't feel indifferent. Maybe even a little relieved because class gave me serious butterflies.
Now I'm going to school with my natural hair, when last year, i would freak out over my hair and spend extremely long straightening it. I'm beginning to accept all my flaws. I'm trying to become more confident and outgoing.
Oh, the wonders Theater does to your confidence. Seriously. I'll elaborate later.
Nothing to blog about today. But, I got my first detention cause my brain wasn't working properly and it was miles and miles away. 3 minutes, wow. LOL. Isn't it sad how i didn't have much laughs and shit today? My only one. Only one was when Jesse was doing his vocals. My god, i really like it. It's so hilarious! It turned from something i was 'iffy' about to someone i would definitely have in my ipod and be proud to say "I was part of creating this song." Seriously. I laughed so hard.<3 He did a small rap for me about how i was a good drummer and how i was the "Coolest chick in the room" Aha, well i was the only chick in the room, besides Yvonne. Thanks anyway.xD I made a rap too. Wanna hear it? Of course!
I weigh 200 pounds.
I'm the one who put the cracks on the ground.
They pay me to break the floor.
They use me to make the hole for a door.
I'm fat cause i eat.
And then i go to sleep.
My figure is what i should keep.
But ya'll can suck my BEEEEP.
LOLOOL, i made up the last part right now. The lines after 'sleep'.
"They could burn for all i care."
I absolutely love performances. The butterflies. The stress. The nervousness. The fear. The longing. I will, and always will love performances. But this performance is the final one. Final Exhibition.
This one means goodbye, and the last thing i want to do is say goodbye.
School is the same everyday. Only thing different about today was that I hung out with Jasmine at lunch. Oh, and today is national AIDS day. LMAO, how ironic. Stupid Creep'lil gave me AIDS yesterday.xD Walked the long way to OoS. Saw Eli sitting by himself so i chatted him up a bit. LOL. Walked to OoS, interviewed teachers. Making the ..thing was pretty cool. LOL. i forgot what it was called.. plaster! Yeah.(: Um, Theater was good. Practiced practiced. At break, they tried to teach me how to play chess. LOL. I learned a little. :D
He gave us some notes. Then they added another part to the performance last minute. Thanks. -__- But its no biggie, i just gotta carry a sign across the stage. LOL. But still. Eli wrote my name. I love how he writes it. So fancy! YEEAH(: I love it. It's fancy, like moi.(: Ahah. After class, interviewed. Me and Christian were trying to cry. Fuck, i had a small film tears too! But i got interrupted.): I really want to know how to cry on cue. It would make lying to people so much easier. LOOL. Chose future yabbers. Talked about next Friday. Then, after Christian left, i talked with Amy. Planned an activity wall project with her and we set up a meeting time.(: Then i left. Got my report card. 3.67. Bleh, I'm getting worse.
That's it.
"You shine so bright, it's insane. You put the sun to shame."
|
|
