"I got F'ed!"(:

I was originally going to make a long rant/blog about what's on my mind. But I got the inspiration to write a song. My song turned into a poem and this is what I did in Biology:

I try so hard to please everyone.
Yet, it's never enough for myself.
My heart filled with curiosity.
My mind filled with doubts.
I try to keep a smile on my face.
Hoping that it will someday become real.
Genuine laughter is rare these days.
I'm not saying my life is hard.
Or even that I have it bad.
If you compare, I have it quite easy,
So why am I not happy?
There's so much about myself I want-
No, I need to change.

I'm so useless. I can only write when I'm infatuated, happy, hurt, or depressed.-__- Or, of course, if I'm forced to. School was stupid as usual.

Drumming was chill today. Bits of high points here and there but it's not like it used to be. I got on the snare, but Alfie told me to get on the middle cause "I got it all down." In other words, I'm not good enough to play the snare. I understand, i really do. Last year, i would die if you told me to go on the snare. But now, i actually want to play it. It's fine though, I understand completely. We need to get it all together for the final performance. I even suck at the middle! Monica had to correct me and bring us back on track. Monica! The girl who's a beginner. The girl who doesn't play half the time because she doesn't know what's going on! The girl who acts all buddybuddy with Jesse.. Okay, that's irrelevant.. Why do i screw up so much? -__-

Jesse told us a funny story about how when he was in 8th grade, he was on the 43, talking to "Two beautiful girls" and someone from behind pantsed him. Then he ran off the bus crying. LOLOLOOL. Oh, how cute. But that was 4 years ago.XD Kahlil hugged me and humped me. "OHMYGOD, I'm getting F'ed!!!" LOLOL. Yeah, I'm innocent, i didn't even say the F word.(: I got F'ed like 5 times today though. At some point, i had to keep running away. Played CHESS! Well, Jesse and Kahlil did. I just tried to understand it. Bleh! Ew, Francisco was so close to me. I decided to be nice to Jose today. LOL! Blahblahblah. Whatelse, Jesse taught me this 'cool' trick on the skateboard. I was screaming and holding on to him. LOLOLOL! I'm a skater now, dawg! :DDD OH, and Khalil's moan "OhOH!" LOLOLOL. It's way too hilarious.

"You shine so bright, it's insane. You put the sun to shame."

I'm not happy

with the person I am/ the person I'm becoming.

I want to change, but i need stability. And the only thing i can rely on not to change is myself. But that's hard to maintain.

Maybe change is good.

School is bad, theater is amazing.

My god. So tired this morning. Nothing interesting happens. My life feels like a routine. I need a little excitement. I need to keep myself busier. That's the problem with me. I get involved with way too much stuff, I stress the fuck out, I deal with it. Then I need to find something else to distract/occupy/entertain myself with. Then the cycle repeats. The problem with me is that I need a fast paced lifestyle. Lunch, Bryan found out that it was impossible to compliment me because I can turn anything into an insult. LOLL. Yes, I'm frustrating and stubborn. But I have high self esteem most of the time so it's alright. LOL. WTH at Gonzo asking me how I'm doing and if I'm alright. Me- "Can you just check my answer and go away?" LOL. Played with Jasmine on my itouch to make the time go by quicker. It worked.(:

Theater was hilarious- as always. I don't eve remembered what happened, but i couldn't stop laughing. Oh, and when i rap, i always have to make my voice hella deep. Eli keeps making fun of me for it. Stacy, exaggerating her pain, as always. "Oh my god, my ankle, oh my goddd. Ohmygod, it hurts so much." I'm pretty sure Christian noticed me roll my eyes each and every time she tried to get sympathy. Only Jessica cared, everyone else was like "Okay." And Eli told me to get her, cause she couldn't run away. LOLOLOLOL! Omg, I'm seriously the worse actress in history. I'm sorry, you guys. D: LOL. I like how it turns out though. Uhm, breaktime, me and Lexi singing Nevershoutnever! OMG. Oh, and Eli threw me to the ground and was on top of me. Oh.. yeah. Okay. LOL. Practiced moremoremore. Pretty chill. "I want you here naked." LOLOLOL. Everyone in Theater are such flirts. I swear.xD Not that I'm complaining, of course.(:

Omg, i was so crazy after the class. I'm so sorry you had to see that, Christian. LOLOL. I get extremely hyper and energetic for no reason. I don't know if that's better, or me being calm is better. LOL. Seriously, i came to class in a depressing mood and left it feeling like i was high. Ahaha. I love you guys.(:

"I'm out of my mind almost half of the time."

Beautiful.

And when the fake snow started to fall,

I was smiling and laughing. I felt like a child again.

It was amazing.

I'm ready to move on.

After like 6 fucking months. It doesn't even hurt anymore.(:

Confidence.

I have a confidence problem.

At times, I can be extremely confident and cocky. Times like those, my ego is much too big for my head. I believe that I'm the best and everything. But other times, i have major issues with my self-esteem. I will state something, then second guess it. I have to always have to hear from someone else that I'm right or if my idea is good. I need reassurance just to feel alright about myself.

For example, i was talking to my mom about my future. I broke down crying (not in front of her, of course) because i don't think I'll amount to much. That's why i don't talk about my future. I can't even answer the question "What do you wanna do when you grow up?" I don't have an answer to the question. Not even a slight clue. They say "It's okay. You have time." But it's not okay. And no, i don't have time. I'm trying to keep up with a world that's spinning way too fast and has no intention of waiting for me, or anybody, for that matter.

There's never a balance. I'm either way too cocky, or extremely insecure.

(:

Disneyland; i saw 8 hot guys in 12 hours. Am i too picky? And all of which were white, had the 'scene' style, and didn't notice me one bit. Coincidence? I think not. I only want what i can't have. Oh, did i mention that almost all of them had girlfriends by their side?

I know I'm over my 'scene' phase but i still find those boys extremely gorgeous.

I, Jessica Ling, shamelessly check out people's boyfriends.

Guess what!

I'm currently at the happiest place on earth!

Disneyland!

Mkay, enjoy the rest of your break. Rest up, lovelies.(:

Our wannabe Thanksgiving dinner. LOL.

The Tide.

There's Veronica. She's biting her lip, as she watches the waves turn white at the tips.

 

There's Vada, radiating with joy. And luckily, she still can't stand the sight of a boy. 

And then there's Dade. His hair dances in the wind. He's wondering what love is and why it has to end.

 There's Veronica. She's licking her lips as she waits for her real first passionate kiss.

There's Vada. She can't admit her jealousy of her sister, Veronica, and how she's so pretty. 

Lastly, there's Dade, still sitting on the dock. He ponders his life as he skips his rocks. 

His mother whispers quietly, "Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word. Love is just a hoax so forget what you've heard. Live for the moment now."

Yeah. The Tide by The Spill Canvas. I've been listening to this song a whole lot. It's absolutely beautiful. Click the title of the song to give it a listen, yeah?(:

So I had to wake up at 6am just to go to LA. My hair isn't done or anything. I'm not a morning person. .__.

Now i remember why i stopped drawing..

Cause i suck. LOL.

Wow, my dream.

My dream was absolutely..i don't even know how to describe it. A lot of things happened but I'll only say the basics and what i remembered most. Mimi was in love with _______. But he was in love with another guy. Another guy. And he was all gushing about him to me. It was quite cute, but i never thought of him as gay before. Anyway, my sister or someone was in love with a mythical creature who ended up dying.

It was a Wednesday, after school, man, someone gave me an amazing hug and said "I love you.. sexually." Like, what the fuck? GTFO. I was suppose to go to my place with Mimi, but i don't know how it happened but, i ended up ditching her. We were walking with Garrett and he was singing and it was funny as fuck cause when i walked past this group of rich ass people who obviously didn't live here. They were like "I've never seen a ..queer before. Is he a tranny? Man, those guys are dangerous and crazy." or something like that and i was dying with laughter.

Anyway, i went home and took a nap. But it turns out that i woke up at 12am. I was so mad that i missed OoS, i was crying so bad. It was the last day or class till the performance and i felt like i let everyone down. I was just crying hella hard. Wow, I'm so afraid of dispointing people, i dream about it. Asdfghjkl. I need a break, but i don't want one. .__.

Then i remember having a skit in the yard where we were all fighting. Uhm, i remember a hobo having a weird name like "Battery." or something. I remember having these two boys in love with me. .__. One of them was trying to convince me how much he loved me. He kept telling me and kissing my hand and everything, but i was still grieving about the death of the ..thing. (the thing my sister was in love with) LOLOL.

I don't really remember anything else. But when i woke up, it was like 1:30. So all this happened when i was suppose to be at school on a normal Wednesday. LOL. Also, the first thing i read when i woke up was Christian's post to my wall. It made me smile.(:

"And i know that you're all shook up from a terrible relationship. He broke your heart- yeah, he tore you into pieces. But i promise you, dear, I'll never touch you like he did. So baby, please take my hand and you'll never be alone again."

Where's a boy like this when i need him?

Not good enough.

I wish i was a better actress. I feel like I'm letting my fellow actors down.

I wish i could sing.

I wish i could draw. 2 years in art classes and i still can't draw well.

I wish i was a better musician. Everyone in my class seems so talent in the art of music in some way.

I wish i was a better writer. I don't even have inspiration to write good stuff anymore. It's only when something happens or someone forces me to write. Ahem Freddie.

I wish i had something that i was seriously good at. I'm just average at everything i try to do. And I'm not only failing myself, I'm failing everyone else.

I wish i had a legit talent.

Not feeling it.

Ugh, I'm so glad it's the last day of school for this week. So tired. Beliz, sub. Surprised? Gym, sat and dodged basketballs. It's kinda hard when like 3 balls are hurling at you at once. Didn't care after a while. Bio, blogged. I think Holaday favors me. When I use my iPod, she doesn't care but when the hakgwais do, she takes it. But when I so, she downright care. And I know he sees me too. I do it beryday and she constantly walks by me and gives me stuff back. I even ate in her class and she didn't even care, while she doesn't allow other kids to. It's just cause I'm smart and actually do my work.

Lunch was lunch. Dean, stop talking to me. I'm not being a bitch for the fun of it. I'm being a bitch so you'll stop talking to me. I need new friends. Sigh. I think is be extremely miserable cause it the only place where I hang out with people I want to hangout with. Cossick, sub. Garrett and Edmund fell asleep but they still BSed and finished sub work. Gonzo, blogging. Time went by hella slow until i started messing with my itouch with Jasmine.

Afterschool, work. Jose was there. Dumbass thought we had class, lol. So he helped Claudia. Wow. Interviewed Ana. Man, she is such a good painter. It looks like photographs. Honestly, i felt very inspired and motivated to continue drawing. I say she'd make a good addition to Out of Site. Next person, he was alright. I'm just not in to graffiti stuff so i wasn't gonna say anything regarding that. I didn't want to be biased. I'm not sure about him though. 75% yes. Ugh, i felt extremely dull today. I didn't smile a lot, like usual. I was just dead. .__.

"This summer was full of mistakes we wouldn't learn from."

The honest truth.

Here are random facts about me. People have common misconceptions about me and I'd like to clear them up, along with adding a few fun facts for ya'll.(:

• Contrary to popular belief, I'm quite shy.
• I can be anti-social sometimes.
• I prefer to be alone than with people sometimes.
• I'm actually quite innocent. I'm all talk when it comes to sex shit. I'm more pure than most people.
• I'm naturally energetic and people think I'm 'high', but I'm above the influence.
• When I'm angry, i say things i really don't mean. And when i look back on it later, i regret it.
• I have a hard time committing to stuff.
• My feelings change quickly.
• It hurts to know that people you care about are below the influence.
• I eat a lot, but i can't gain weight.
• I'm insecure about my 'talents' more than my looks and stuff.
• I may be insecure, but i hide it. I try to be confident, always.
• I have a hard time getting along with girls.
• I absolutely love it when guys hold me by my waist. Best feeling ever. 
• I don't like half hugs, though I'm a hypocrite, i hug like that when i don't like you, or I'm in a hurry.
• I like hugs when they twirl me round, or pick me up.
• I love sunny weather. If it's gonna rain, i don't want that lightweight shit, it needs lighting and thunder.
• I find ways to occupy myself. Even though it stresses me out, i love it.
• I love coffee, but it does bad things to me, so i settle for tea.
• I have a hard time sleeping in class.
• I laugh extremely easily.
• I don't have a 'best friend' because i just don't like that label. Too much commitment.
• I don't have many friends. Just a lot of acquaintances.
• I space out frequently.
• I can't listen to music if it doesn't have meaningful lyrics or deeper meanings.
• I'm awkward.
• I hate being called 'Jess' or 'Jessie'
• I'm not girly. I'd rather take off my heels and play basketball with the boys than go gossip with girls. (I'm saying this from experience)
• I have a passion in theater and music.
• I don't like talking about my feelings.
• I'm terribly unfit.
• I don't believe in love anymore and I disconnect my heart in order to protect myself.

I think I'm done for now. Mkay? Kay.

Today.

Couldn't fall asleep yesterday.-__- Hella tired when I woke up. Dreamt that i was fighting Mimi and Jason Wong. Something about them throwing a bucket of water or something on me. LOL. School, Leslie gave me a cookie. Omg.(: I ate it in Bio. It was super yummy. Thankthankthanks!<3 Said Happy Birthday to Elisha.(: He sounded really tired and sick. Poor boy.): Houston, napped for half an hour cause he gave us time to do hw but my overachieving ass already finished. I hella needed that nap. Watched Roots after. Omg, so sad. I was gonna cry when Fiddler cried. But damn, I didn't like it when they changed actors. He looks hella stupid and fake. All my sympathy was gone. LOL. -__- Gym, walked with Jacky and Andy till Andy ditched to play football. Then walked with Jacky the whole time. Gossiping. Mostly talking about fat people. LOL. Homeroom, nothing. Bio, blogged.

Lunch, not much. Cossick, sub. Called Raffa back. Don't have to go to work today. We have to go tomorrow for longer. .__. I know I said I didn't want to this morning but now I do. Needa do it tomorrow. It's gonna be only us girls cause Christian has work. Finished subwork last minute. Gonzo, blogging. Afterschool, went to HBBQ with the boys. I realized that Dean doesn't know me at all. He thinks i get helluh guys, watch hella porn, and masturbate a lot. Oh wow. I talk a lot of dirty shit, but I'm actually hella pure. I don't even watch porn unless its with other people, and to make fun of it. You have me all wrong and you refuse to believe the truth. Just shut up. Jeez. Then walked with Bryan to Safeway. Ranted a little bit of my ..insecureness of my 'talents'. Urg. Taught him how to hug me the right way. Cause he asks me for a hug, but he hugs hella awkward. LOLOL. Arms around waist, buddy.

Man, i wish i had to go to work. I'm lame, i know. LOL.

"Love is just a hoax so forget all that you have heard."

Miracle worker.(:

This is my creation. She finally let me curl her hair and now she looks beyootiful.(: I'm a miracle worker, i swear.

Like dayum, am i amazing or what?(:

-__-

I don't even know why i try. Everything i do isn't good enough for you. And if it is, i must've had help or i must've cheated. Fuck you. All i do is disappoint you guys even if I'm proud of it. Apparently, I'm the failure of the family.

And my biggest fear is disappointing people.

Here's a big fuck you to my family.(:

So my mom asked me and my sister if we wanted Starbucks again. She said she would pay, but we would have to go there by ourselves. That meant we would have to exercise and move so we decided to make a pro and con list -cause we're that lazy.

Don't judge me. LOL.

Guess what side won.


Omg, i took at least 20 pictures. My smile looked so fake. It still does. But this is the closest i came to a real looking one. I got so frustrated too. LOL.

I don't know why i would ever take an embarrassing picture like this. But yeah, hey.(:

Inspiring.

The rain's 'pitter patter' inspires me to drum.

1234 12 3 12 3. &DDDD DUD. Just for further remembrance.

Adding to my song 'Because the Rain.' I need to start playing my guitar again. In desperate need of a tuner though.

Omg.

It's raining and hailing. Also, there's thunder and lightning.

It's my turn to take out the garbage tonight. -__-

I'm just gonna sit in my bathroom, cause there's a window in the ceiling, and watch the ice fall.(:

Dancing and twirling around my livingroom.

Cause that's what coffee does to me.(:

Singing 'Kids in Love' by Mayday Parade.

Coffee makes me believe that life is good. I can get used to this.(:

(:

So my beautiful mommy bought me and my sister some coffee when i asked. Thankyouu.(: Yum. Caramel Brulee latte.(:

Judge.

I'm trying really hard not to judge people based on appearance and stuff anymore but its' really hard. Extremely hard. It's like going against breathing. It's just natural, but its been proven that a lot of my assumptions have been wrong so I'm trying to stop.

Urg, it's just really difficult. I'll start by not voicing it.

Tonightt.

It's one of those nights where I'm all bundled up with my laptop, watching stupid, sappy, hopeless, cute, romantic love movies.

The weather just calls for it.

Also, a cup of hot chocolate and someone to cuddle with would be nice.

Interviews.

Woke up from good dream again.(: Damnit was cold. I was all bundled up. I didn't wanna wear boots cause it was gonna rain though. Walled with Carmen, Erica, and Terence. Beliz, nothing much. Houston, I was all pissy cause the hakgwais were annoying as fuck, I was tired, I was sleepy, and I had to pee hella bad. LOL. Brendan gave me some cookies though. Hrm, read. Gum, badminton with Andy. Man, hella intense. Sweat. LOL. Lunch, two people asked me why I looked sad. How would I know? Goddamn. Bio, blogging. English, DEAR and vocab quiz.

Afterschool, had to go to OoS to interview the rest of the people. Fuckk. I know I'm extremely selfish for not wanting anyone to join but..-__- Especially Fransisco. God. Touch me, you die. Really. People were there early. .__. We chilled and waited for everyone to show up. Talked about movies. And Oscar said Escape the Fate was coming here to perform soon. WHUUUUT?! So we had to go in the office and talk. Yeah, Francisco was the only one who did a horrible job. LOL. I originally didn't like Oscar, but i do admit that he did a good job on the interview. So, i can't base everything off my personal thoughts. We're doing 2 followup interviews for Kelsey and Maggie. Francisco isn't going in for sure. Yup. That's pretty much it. Christian is a meaniebutt. .__. Read over Mimi's notes. Laughed when we saw she wrote "Useless." next to Francisco. LOL. That's helluh true and funny.

Oh, and i just found out that i was shy and quiet when I'm doing public speaking. I thought i was quite confident because that's what my peers tell me. Well, there goes the little confidence i had in the first place for public speaking. .__.

"Save it for somebody who cares."

Confident.

People tell me that I'm so confident and everything. Well I kinda have to be if I'm gonna withstand all these insults and teases my 'friends' throw at me.

I won't hug you.

If you don't hug me around my waist.

I love when guys put their arms around my waist.

Justsaying.

What to do if you don't wanna be kissed.

"Burp in his face. (-burp-)
Spit in his mouth (Eww)
Or punch him in the balls! (OW.)"

LOLOLOL. Me and my sister are stupid as hell.xD

Abrázame.

Y besa me.

I think my mom is drunk.

She didn't let me have any!D:<

LOL, she's interesting to talk to right now.(:

Today..

Had a nice dream again. Good dreams lately, but it makes it harder to get up. Walked with Alan. He mostly talked cause I couldn't. He talked like me though. Whispering and no voice. Then he started making his voice crack. Going through puberty. LOL. Beliz, nothing. Houston, watched movie. Finished last night's homework and tonight's hw. Homeroom, read. Gym, badminton with AndyT. The birdie was hella fake and broken. -__- GSA, Leslie and her friend came.(: Got their food. LOL. Talked about future plans. Leslie and her friend can bake. Perfect.(:

Bio, these bitches stupid as fuck. Even Ms. Holaday got tired of explaining and told them to look at mine. LOLOL. Stupidasses. She tells them "You can do this." No they can't! They're stupid as fuck!! Omg. Holaday kept telling them to copy mine cause "I get it." EL OH FUCKING EL. Like the girl in front of me, I don't really mind letting her copy cause she was actually trying. But everyone else just sits there. Talked to Chan passing period. I'm hella tripping though. I asked what class he had and he said "Free period." I thought he said "Fifth period." so I'm like "Shutupp. Seriously." LOL. He said he was going to Da Kines so I asked if he was coming back next period. This is the last period. -fp- LOL. Gonzo, sigh took a quiz. .__. I can't blog anymore cause I had Holaday right before and yeah.

Afterschool, walked with Andy to the busstop. Took the 54. Hella crowded. Got there, started helping put stamps on the postcards. Had to go to class. D: Reviewed old songs. Jesse was cracking jokes and everything. "Back in the daay.", man, the first day seemed so long ago. xD Jesse wrote me a rap, "Jessica. Jessica. She's an actress. Like in wizard of Oz. She's Dorothy." I don't even know! But i was laughing my butt off. Then Alfie sang inappropriate songs. LOL. "You're a teacher!!" XD Then we needed to add vocals to the songs so Jesse decided to make one. "Why don't you love mee? That makes me sad. Cause i love youu. I will love you till the rain turns to snow." something like that. LMFAO. And... the 'emo' song. Cause it sounded like "Angry teenage angst." So they made it "Angrymo." Get it? "Angry-emo?" LOLOLOL.

Went in the room, worked on the song. Jesse played his Sax. Made it come alive, honestly. Pretty good though. At one point, we were messing around, and i put my thumb near his mouth and he took it in his mouth and licked/sucked it. LOLOLL. Man, never testing you again. I love being the only girl there. So much attention for me. Alfie- "Maan, you guys are so touchy!" LOL, they love me. :D And they realized how dirty my mind was. Not even. LOL. Yeah, finished up the song. Made it more complete. Then went home.

So tired. It's so nice to see you laughing and cracking jokes again. I don't know how hard it is for you, but i do know you're so strong. Seeing you laugh and joke like old times made gave me hope.

"I know that words aren't enough, but you're better than this."

Get LOOSE.(:

Omg, why am i so chinky? LOL. This was our house though. :D

Stage combat with this dorkk.

It all comes down to final performance.

Woke up quite early but went back to sleep so i can continue my amazing, weird dream. Yeah, it's kinda awkward, so i won't say but.. it was like Father's Day and all the boys went over to my place cause it was Halloween the night before. Also, there was a big performance. KevinS was there. -__- Seward was there with his 'brother' who was... er, don't remember. AndyT was there. Christian was there. And stuff happened. It was interesting/funny cause the boys could go wherever they wanted without lines and stuff. Idk. The moral is, i woke up later because of it. LOL. Gah, legitly lost my voice..

Beliz, learned a bit.. By myself though.. LOL. Houston, worked. Homeroom, nothing. Cossick never anything much. Lunch, Anna told me about something very funny and disgusting. LOLOLOLOL. Lucky I don't know her that well.xD Gonzo, blogging. Omg, I want my voice back. Arg. El clase es muy abburido. D: Damn, shortass school blog. Hopefully OoS will do today some justice.

Walked to OoS. Kinda, walked half way. Talked. Interviewed. Man, awkward ass interview. LOL. Fransisco was late so we have to interview on him Friday. ARG. I really don't want to interview him. .__. Chilled after. Wrestled with Christian. Put out snack. Helped put stamps and addresses on postcards Yup. Chilled on the couch with Jessica and Christian. Told racist jokes. LMAOLMAO. Talked about the 'Cross the line' thing. "Do you want to fall in love?" Jessica- "Yes." Me- "No." Then we just look at each other awkwardly. LMFAO.

Class reviewed what we would do for final performance the whole time. I'm after Jessica's 'Where I'm From.', then the 'Escape' scene is last. Gotcha.(: Practiced the whole day. I don't remember what happened but it was pretty fun. Break, hung out with Christian. Talked about how i was in love with the deformed pumpkin. Talked about finding a song for Stacy's 'Alone' scene. I suggest we write it if we couldn't find one. Christian backed me up by saying we were in the music producing class. But he suggested i write it and sing it. Uh, not with my voice like this. LOL. Back to class, talked about how we don't like mainstream music but Jessica did. And how i love Mayday Parade. Christian played my favorite song. OMGG. :DD During the scenes, i kept making everyone laugh even though its suppose to be serious. I just did the cross sign thingy after Christian hit me. And Freddy cracked up for helluh long. LOLOL. Stacy asked if me and Christian go out. Us- "..no." Made bad comments about Mimi that we would assume when we first met her. Man, that was hard cause she's such a sweetie. I got "Loud." "Weird." Someone said that me and Mimi were flirty. LOLOLOLOLOLWHAT? Me? A flirt? LOLOLOL. That's so funny, i forgot to laugh.

After class, just hung out with Christian and Claudia. I was being a smartsmart philosopher. LOL. Drew pictures. Drew Claudia, drew a 'hotdog' which was suppose to be 'I', and drew poop.(: LOLOL. Then my mom came in telling me she's been calling and texting and shit. Ooops, i didn't check my phone the whole day. LOL. Then went home.

"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive."

(:

Straight outta the shower.(:

LOL.

 

Why am i so cool?xD

Better than yesterday.

So damn tired in the morning. Woke up from bad dream. School, all the juniors are showing me love today. LOL. Talked to Javon about Kevin. He's on my dick again. LOL. Talked to Elisha. My bestfriend!(: He was like "Oh, you like poles?" and pretended to crash me into one. LOL. And while I was walking up, Antonio was like "Whoa, is that Jessicaa?" and hugged me. I was like "Omg, you know my name?" and he's like "Of course!" LOL.

Beliz was fine. Gym, snuck over to Cubales. Almost got caught. D: Vicente is an ass! LOL. Telling me Glassman was there cause he knew I was paranoid as fuck. Poke. I'm extra sensitive today. Today feels like it's gonna be a good day.

Homeroom, did bio hw. Bio, lol. These niggas hang on to my every word. I think all think I'm smart as fuck. LOL. Not even. Blogged.(: Lunch, not much. Cossick, "Don't worry, Jessica. You're perfect the way you are." Aw, thanks.(: Learned about Barbie. If she were real, she'd be helluh hurt. LOL. Gonzo, blogged.

Afterschool, walked with AndyToy. Went to OoS with Cary. Got there. Talked to Amy. I really don't want people to join YAB. It sounds selfish but it's true. It's not gonna be the same. And I know that at least half of them will get in. So 3 more people on YAB.. We have enough! Class, rocked on the middle. I'm starting to understand everything. It's not all just random calls and follow what Alfie says anymore. But it's hard cause we have like 3 more classes to get everything together for the final performance. Alfie looked so passionate today. He was smiling. Ever since his mom passed, i know it was extremely rough on him. It's nice to see him smile again. Break, damn cold.

Khalil got honey on his face and his eye. LOLOL! He said it was hard to blink cause it would stick. Someone jokingly suggested he put some of the dip for the chips on his eye. He actually did it.. He just smeared it on a carrot and wiped it on his eye. Oh my god, seriously? Then he asked me to lick it off for him. LOLOL. Uhm, sorry hun. Too bad your girlfriend wasn't around to lick it off.xD Talked a little more. Everyone couldn't believe he was a junior. Someone thought he was a freshie, i thought he was a senior, and someone else thought he was a soph. Well, he's 16, but he acts 6. Like a really perverted 6 year old who likes to tenderly stroke my mallets while I'm trying to play. LOLOL. Played bass. My god, that shit bruised and scratched my legs up so much. LOL. I'm jealous of girls with perfect legs. Mine are always bruised, cut up, and scarred. Real attractive. .__. LOL.

After, talked to Amy and waited to get picked up. Yeah. We have two weeks to learn all the songs. Come on, guys. It's gonna be tough because me and Christian are to only ones from last time. Newbies everywhere. And drumming only once a week. But it's fine. We got this, right? Fuck, ChristianRomero and Pablo need to come back. Christian- pro ass snare player. Pablo- beast as fuck on the hip. Let's get it together. Good practice today. Calluses on my hands. Yucky. Man, everything about me is just so attractive right now. .__. LOLOL.

And during today's practice. I was 'leading' the middles. Monica would stop and become confused when i stop, or when i pause, when i drop a stick, or when i mess up for a second. When Afie reminds us when to go to break, or when he gets us back on trick, or when he smiles, it's towards me. It's cause I'm doing something right. He would show me what to do, i would nod. Monica watches me and learns off me. And i know that i can't stop no matter how much my hands are begging me to cause if i do, she will too. I would bite my lip in concentration (which i tend to do only when i'm in deep concentration) and nod when Alfie would correct/help me. I feel like I'm improving. Let's hope my improvement continues and does Alfie justice during final exhibition.

"So make me promises, boy, the kind i know you can't keep."

Oh, hey.(:

You are..

BEAUTIFUL.(:

Yee.(: Mkay, bye! :D

Have a good night, ya'll.(:

I'm dying to tell you anything.

You want to hear.

Cause that's just who i am this week.

Life.

Life is currently being a bitch to me. Why can't happy times last longer than a day? Days like those, everything is okay. Days like this, i don't know why i bother. I can't relate to anyone. I don't like my 'friends'. The friends i do like, they're going to leave me. This is the last year i have with them. Honestly, I'm so afraid of what's going to happen when they go. So scared. I know i seem like the outgoing type, but i don't have much friends. Not at all. I'm very antisocial and tend to shy away from people. I feel like the outcast. I want to know how it feels to be accepted and welcomed.

I need stability, but everything's changing. Everyone's changing. Maybe i need to change too, just to keep up with everyone. But i am changing. For the better and for the worse. I'm so stressed, i bitch at people now. But, I'm also more confident.

The only way i know how to deal with it.. Time for some chocolate. I only eat chocolate when I'm depressed.

Eh.

I don't feel like blogging about my day today so let's just talk about OoS. I went, hoping that it'd make my day better. Talked to Amy about the YAB interviews. Ugh. Went down. Hand circle thing. I don't even remember what happened honestly. Alexis's pajamas were cutee! So snuggly. :D Break, didn't go outside cause the food wasn't all that great. Wrestled with Eli instead. "Tap the fuck out, bitch!" Then i forced him too. LOL. Also, doggystyled him. I'm a good wrestler, yo.(: Did our scene. Why the fuck do i keep on laughing? Get it together, Jessica. You only have 3 weeks till final performance. Which means, what, 6 classes? No classes next week. 4 classes? Get your damn act together.

Christian tried to drag me into the rap alley. Like seriously, i couldn't get out from his grasp. It got so far that even this one guy kept looking at me like "Omg." Cause he was all grabbing me and I'm like "STOP. STOPP." My god. The guy kept walking, but he looked back every few steps. I decided to blow him a kiss for his concern. Then a lady looked back and I'm like "Girrl, i ain't doing it to you! Conceited.." LOL. Christian kept putting a finger to my face, barely touching me. Goddamn, it bothers me. Stop.-__-

Got off the bus, saw Johnnathan. First thing he says to me is "Would you be mad if i were high?" Oh.. Okay. I missed you too. I've been doing well. To answer your question, YES. Don't give me that "Just this once." bullshit. I don't even care about that. You could've not told me. Why did you have to tell me? I felt bad that i let you miss the bus to talk to me, then i leave suddenly. But i don't even want to talk to you knowing you're high. I would've stuck around if i was emotionally capable of it. I'm not. I'm weak.

"Oh my god, I'm such a terrible mess."

You're all talk.

I see that now.

Pie Ranch.(:

Since i was behind the camera the whole day, i barely have pictures with me in them. That's kinda sad because it was such a memorable day. This was at the beautiful beach. Weird smile cause the sun was in my eyes. ._.

LOL, i actually like the way my hair looks in this picture. It's decent.(:

Productive.(:

 

Before.

 After.

Yeeee. I'm being very productive today. I finished all my homework. I just needa work on script now.(:

Looking back..

Looking back at our old conversations, man, such beautiful words you've said. If only you were telling the truth.

I miss you.

No, wait. That's a lie. I miss who you were.

Sweetheart, i miss who you were. But he's gone, isn't he..?

Memorize!

That's what I'm suppose to be doing. But in reality, I'm watching South Park.(: My voice is gone so what's the point of memorizing when i can't do the scene anyway? Okay, my voice isn't completely gone. But i don't feel like memorizing. ._.

I finished the script!

I am so happy. If anyone makes me change it, i will bust a cap in their ass. This script gave me so much stress and i don't 100% like the way it came out, but it's finally done. I still need to memorize but at least i have a solid thing that to memorize. My voice needs to get better so i can practice. .__.

It's finally done!

Just like you.

I could be mean.
I could be angry.
I could be fake.
I could be stupid.
I could be weak.
I could be senseless.
I could be cold.
I could be ruthless.
You know i could be just like you.

You thought you were there to guide me.
You were only in my way.
You're wrong if you think I'll be just like you.

I wish i could handle more.

Everyone tells me i have so much going on and I'm putting myself through a lot of pressure. I just agree with them and move on. I mean, in the back of my mind, i know I'm doing a lot. But now, my body is reacting to it. It has been for the past month, but i tried my best to ignore it. My hands constantly shake. And now, I'm getting sick.

I don't know how to deal anymore.

Lately, i've been speeding up my brain.

And my hands are shaking all the time.

Stressed.

I'm so stressed over my script. I've been helluh out of my mind all day. Beliz, had another sub. Copied down my songs. I've been messing up my words and stuff. -__- Houston, finished my work. Bitched at ranted to Brendan. I'm so stressed. Everyone tells me i have too much to handle. I know that. I don't have the heart to give anything up. I refuse to give anything up. No one will understand how much OoS has changed me for the better. It gives me so much joy. So much laughs. And i just adore people there. I believe they're very talented and so amazing. I think it's safe to say Out of Site is such a big part of my life. Without it, a part of me will be missing. Finished first disk of Roots. So interesting. Homeroom, recopied script.

Gym, walked with Jasmine. Sang. She says she likes my singing. .__. This girl just thinks I'm good at everything i do. -fp- LOL. Acting, songwriting, singing, math, ect. And we all know i suck at math. Ahah. We need to have more bands in common. LOL. We're gonna listen to more. Singing sessions in gym.(: Lunch, tried to do my script. My gosh, they we failed. But thanks for helping. Holaday, blogging. Then did project. I didn't finish cause i didn't know what we were suppose to do at first. .__. Cossick, told Edmund and Raymond about how pedos hit on me. Edmund says he's gonna get me some pepper spray for my birthday. LOL. Class went by fast. Afterschool, went home. Saw Javon, Kevin, and Jason.

Going out later tonight too. Blegh.

Chill Friday though. I hope they like my script. I am stressing out so much over it.

Okay, now I'm back from the play. It was pretty good. Creepy ass doll though. Me and Jessica caught up on Degrassi. Omg, i helluh need to catch up! Christian and i kept looking at each other when something "That's what she said." worthy came up. Like when the woman said "This is kind of short, so we'll go slowly." something like that. I just tried to hold back my laughter and Christian poked me to shut up. LOL. Pretty fun. Only me, Jessica, Christian, and Freddie showed up though. But that's alright cause there were only 4 seats in a row anyway.xD

I don't like it when you say I'm young. I realize I'm young, but I'm not naive and ignorant. Stop treating me like a child.

..

It feels good to know you have helped someone's life in some way. Even if you don't particularly like them. Even if you weren't trying to make them feel better. Even if you were just being yourself.

But I'm never myself when i 'save' someone. I'm always 'disguised' as someone else. I don't get the credit, but i don't want it. The feeling is just enough. Even if i can't help myself, i can help other people.

I never thought my words could be that powerful. I'm going to be more careful with them. I know, as a writer/songwriter that words are extremely powerful. But i never thought that my words could have such a big effect.

Pie Ranch! :D

I'm gonna keep this short because i feel like shit and i have homework to do.

Bus ride was slightly annoying. Sat with Christian and Jessica. Cool people in the back! LOL. It was helluh early and Mimi's voice was annoying me so much. She was so cheery and shit. Maybe it's just the fact that I'm not a morning person. I felt so much better when she finally got quiet. LOL. Yes, I'm much more pleasant in the afternoon. Khalil and Emily were playing guitar/singing. Michaela did too. She was so good. Like so amazing.. Got there and went on a tour. I was with Jessica and Khalil.(: Oh my god, the strawberries were so sweet and good! The bellpeppers were really good too. Khalil- "I'll try one if you do." Ahah. It was actually very good. Yeah, looked and learned about everything, then went back.

Chicken coop! LOL. I was trying to take a picture of Khalil trying to catch a chicken. He had no luck actually catching one though. Then Claudia and him tried. They were cornering chickens and everything. It was so funny. Then saw the goat.(: Then went back to braid corn. I didn't do anything cause i was taking pictures. :D LOL. Had lunch after a while. "OMG, that could feed people in Africa for 10 years!" talking about Jessica wasting half her sandwich. LOL. But I'm a hypocrite, i didn't finish my pie.xD

Did sun art. Was that what it was called? Probably not. LOL. Oh, it was called sun screening. Duh.xD It was actually very pretty. Drew pictures. Watched some of the skits. Man, some sucked so bad. The acting did, not the people. LOL. Did our scene. It was alright. I'm pretty sure i got myself a splinter though. Ahah. Packed everything up and put it on the bus. Carried two drums down t the beach. Me and Christian got shifts cause i didn't want him to carry it all the way down by himself. I'm so considerate. Monica complimented me on my hair. Talked about how i wished i had naturally wavy hair. Christian said that he liked my hair better when its straight. I was like "WHAAT?" It looks better curled. He said it looked good both ways but he prefers it natural. I see.. LOL. I still like it curled better.(:

To the beach! :D I just sat on the sand. Thanks for bring a towel, Cary. Sat with him and worked my slaves. LMFAO. Max and that little boy and Jose. ^_^ LOL. Jose collected rocks for me and the rest built a moat so we wouldn't get wet if a wave went to us. No wave ever did though.xD It was such a beautiful view. Looking out int the ocean, which was a beautiful crystal blue color. The sky a baby blue, commenting the ocean well, equally beautiful. And the sun shining proudly. The sound of laughter and the sight of teenagers acting like children again was priceless. The chorus from my favorite song was ringing in my head and it felt extremely perfect. "And I'm here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there are sunsets and silhouette dreams. And sandcastles fall like the ashes of cigarettes and every wave drags me to sea."

It was time to go back and we were just walking very slowly. Christian simply said "You're tired." then picked me up. Hah. Like always, i told him to let me down. I know i may say i don't like being carried, but i secretly do. Shh. Some girls don't because they're insecure about their weight. Ahem.. Anyway, kept walking. Freddie told us to take a picture of him and his family. LOL. His wife is pretty cool. Walked back. They took the drums with them cause they had a car. Omg, thankyou. I hate carrying it so long. LOL. Walked with Christian and Alfie. They were talking about some place in Mexico, i don't remember where.

Then walked with Christian and Jessica. Waved and blew kisses to cars. The ones who waved back, i was like "Oh yeah, he wants me." and if they didn't wave back I'd be like "Bitch." to the girls. And "He's gay." to the boys. LMFAO. My god, i couldn't even walk in a straight line. I kept stumbling. Bus ride, tried to sleep. Used Christian's jacket as a blanket. I actually only fell asleep at the end of the ride. My legs were so uncomfortable from being in the same position the whole time. .__. Back at OoS, felt like crap. Took down the OoS poster. Waited for my mama. Hugged Christian goodbye and left. Gonna see those darlings again tomorrow night at 8. Christian- "That's the latest I've seen you." Yeah. LOL.

Went to dinner with family. The only funny thing that happened was when i went to the bathroom with my sister. We were joking about going into the men's bathroom. So i went in and looked at the mirror talking about something.. Maybe about my shirt needing to be pulled up or something but anyway, a man walked out from the stall behind us. We just kind of stared at each other. He was like "Hello.." then went out of the bathroom helluh quickly. Without washing his hands or anything! LMFAO! After that, i was like "Shit, are we in the right bathroom?" but it turns out, he was the one in the wrong bathroom. Helluh awkward and funny.xD

Today was a real bonding experience for us. I really enjoyed it. Someone ask me how i am! I can finally honestly answer "Good." or "Fine." This is the first time i've felt so content with life. Okay, maybe not the first time, but one of the firsts.

"It's hard to be a man, but I'm doing all i can."

 I kind of like my hair in this picture. LOL, i feel like craaap.

Truth.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you.

The most honest thing I can say right now is that I'm starting to become fine with our situation. I guess we weren't meant to be friends. Or maybe we just need to give it more time. Also, you're not the most dominant thing in my mind anymore. Far from it.

Whatever happens, happens.

I used to have this burning passion for theater. As the years went on, and i did nothing about it, it dimmed. Out of Site was the match that set it back on fire. And it made me do something with my passion. It also made me find a new joy with music.

That means more than words can express.

Thank you so much.

Crashes can suck my dick.

Today. Beliz, test. Houston, movie. Made Brendan wait for me and now to do his work cause i wanted to catch up. I stole his pencil and forbade him to do work. LOL. Homeroom was homeroom. Made a lint ball. Aha. Cossick, read fables. Lunch, nada. Gonzo, test.

Had the meeting. Worked on computer and sent emails. Uploaded pictures. Christian had to go to his parent/teacher conference. LOLOLOL. Class, checked in. Christian came. Warmed up. I was laughing and crazy. I made our skit be called "Escape." ISN'T THAT INTENSE?! I was screaming and telling people how intense it sounded. I'm pretty sure they got sick of me. Since they were filming next door, we had to move to the caf. Did the scene. Freddie helped me get more into character. He asked why i was so cheery when i walked in. I didn't even know. It was just the way it flowed.

But i came to the conclusion that I was optimistic that he would change and go back to the loving father i used to know. And my mother was giving me that hope because she still tried to defend me. And when he hit me, it hurt more emotionally. Between scenes, i would be crazy. LOLOL. Me and Christian's scene is so intense though. I felt the frustration and fear that my character had. Practiced a lot. We really need to work on the script. It's not very good. And for the motions, i thought we had to do 5 sentences for each. But turns out, its 5 sentences combined. So 1 sentence for each. I'm mad. LOL.

Break, fun at first. Then i went up to help Claudia find Mimi's Pie Ranch list. I'm smart. "Look in the Pie Ranch folder!" LOL. It was in there too.xD Went back down and was like EURG. Mimi's like "You crashed, huh?" LOL. I guess i did. Stupid coffee. I don't really know what happened next cause i was out of it. Did the bus scene for film and the bench game. Yeah.

Afterclass, Christian forced me to dance with him dip.Took the 8x. He was using the yawn- arm around shoulders thing. So i did the stretch-push away thing. LOLOL. I'm excited for tomorrow! How many times have i said that? LOL.

"I like what i have and love what i lose."

What i do instead of HW.

"I'm Muslim. I'm Muslim. I'm Muslim-er than youu!"

"Hey look, now I'm ghetto Muslim!"

I laughed so hard when i did this. I'm so stupid. LOL. NORACIAL! I have nothing against Muslims.. or ghetto Muslims.(:

Today..

I kept waking up like every hour starting from 3am last night.-__- I didn't feel hella tired in the morning though. Curled my hair cause I was in the mood came out bad. Ohwell. Ate a donut but still felt hungry so made some cupnoodles.
Gym, funny. We were playing basketball until Vicente hit LiYing in the head with the ball. Then everyone started playing "Hit LiYing with the basketball but make it look like an accident". Helluh funny. Holaday, wifi wasn't working.): So i just continued writing my song. Your song.. Watched a movie. It's pretty interesting so far. Mhm.

Lunch, talked and stuff. Jason asked why I looked so happy. Haha. I can't smile without being happy? Hah. Gonzo, I have a fucking B+. I'm so mad right now. LOL. Give me a freaking A-, dammit!):

Afterschool, found out that JasonWong talks about me. Dude, this guy has a fetish for me. He thinks about me, I'm the first thought when he wakes up, and now i find out he talks about me? I don't even wanna talk to you. You have a fetish for me. .__. Ahaha. Oos, ate. Talked a little. Slightly bitched at Jose for asking me stupid questions. Of course Alfie ain't down yet, the drums are still there. And i actually did know where Christian was, i didn't want to tell you though. LMAO.

Class, talked about Pie Ranch. And the bus/limo/thing. LMFAOO! Someone asked if there were gonna be cows there and Christian's like "Yeah, Jessica's gonna be there." -__- Fuck you!): So i was 'mad' at him and ignored him. Played the conga. Yee. Break, said Jesse was my new best friend. Cause someone called me a cow. -__- Then he asked if i would still be his best friend if he called me a bull. Oh, you guys. So mean to me.): He sat on my lap. Man, out of all the guys who sat on me, he is the heaviest of them all. DAYUM. Like, really heavy. Yeah. Hung out more and finally left. Playpunched Christian. That one guy was like "Omg, did you just slap him?!" LOLOL! Me- "He likes it." Christian- "Yeah. I have the hots for her." LOLL.

Went outside, jumped on Jesse's back. Scary, he tried to dip me back. LOL. I don't know why i trust these people. Played middle then snare. It was hard cause I was the only one on snare, along with Alfie on hip. But that was it. He made me play alone while he taught the other people. My lack of confidence made me stop every few minutes in fear that i was doing it wrong. But of course, i was doing fine. I was just nervous cause everyone was listening to me alone. Went back on the conga. My hand hurt after but it felt softer. Christian told me it was made out of cow stomach. .__. Omg. LOL. It was slightly raining outside. Eww. What happened to the sunny weather we had in the afternoon?): Claudia looked at me and asked why i was smiling so much. I didn't even know i was. LOL. I don't know why, honestly. Nothing happened out of the ordinary, but i like it.(: Called someone to pick me up.

I'm so excited for Pie Ranch. So excited!

"I know I'm not the best for you. But i promise that you'll stay."

 Apparently, this smile never left my face today.(:

Humping + fighting + laughs =OoS theater class.(:

Today was a very moody day. First time i actually bitched at people at school..
Houston, sub. Bookwork then movie. The movie is getting good.(:
Gym, talked to Carmen. She told me about her situation..): Best of luck.
Homeroom, nada. First time Cary asked if i was okay. O__O Yeah.. LOL.
Holaday, test then slept.
Lunch, nothing.
English, bitched at Ben for taking a book.. I don't even know but i was being a bitch. Sigh. Major PMSing. LOL.
Gonzo, nothing.
Afterschool, David got the Hukilau stuck in my head. LMAO. Then went to OoS alone.

I feel like school is so lonely. I don't connect with anyone and i don't have real friends there. OoS is everything now.

Did check ins. Then did slaps around the circle. Like, we would get slapped, the person next to us would laugh, and we would slap them. So on, so on. Eli came. And me, him, and Alexis fought again. It soon turned really hardcore and everyone stopped what they were doing and just stared at us. It was to the point that i was on the floor while Eli was beating me with a chair. LMFAO. Then we in-cooperated stage kissing and stage fighting into a scene. We were on the muni, i get on and see Alexis and Christian, who i believe is my boyfriend, kiss. I confront them about it and i fight Alexis. Then, she falls on Jessica and they start fighting. Then everyone just starts fighting and Eli comes out, socks each one of us in the face, and throws us off the bus. ._. LMAO. MACHINE GUN. BOOMBOOMBOOM! LOL.

Then we made sound effects and stomping and stuff. It was very confusing and awkward but it was fun. "Come onto my party bus. Hear the moaning? Joinm the fun. But you are up here with me.(;" Ahaha, Eli. Apparently, we're gonna get married and he's gonna hold my babies all weird. LMFAO! Whatelse, break. We decided that we were gonna fight. L.M.F.A.O, no one cared. They were all staring, but non one did anything. Christian punched me, then Eli and him fought because he hit me. I was in the corner with all the girls around me asking if i was okay. I was crying/laughing. LOL. Then we took it outside. Me and Alexis are BFFs with Eli because he has rootbeer.:D Hahaha.

Went back in, did my scene once. Did Mimi's scene. Then we did me, Christian, and Jessica's scene. Me and Christian were being inappropriate. "Heey daddy. Sorry I'm latee(;." "What took you so longg?(;" Ectect. But in the real scene, we got all intense. Right after the scene was over, we'd mess around again.XD 5 hand gestures with a paragraph to go with it. Bleeeh. Freddie was telling Christian how he didn't want to beat me cause at one point in time, i was his babygirl. Christian- "She's still my babygirll." Ahaha. Loser. Yuup. Went upstairs. Found out that Eli was going to ....fuck, i forgot. LMAO. But he wasn't going to come back till Monday, next week. SUCKSS.

Waited inside with Christin for a bit cause Francisco left. It was so dark!): And Christian wouldn't go into that rape alley with me.D: And he said that being 10 minutes with me felt like 40 minutes. -__- He didn't realize that was an insult. So i explained to him that time flies when you're having fun. So he tried to fix it. .__. LOL. Whatelse. Complained about how i'm such a failure as a female. First, i don't get along with them. Second, i don't even act like one. I'm rude, ungraceful, perverted, and just.. -__-. He told me that it was better that way. He says that he prefers that than a girlygirl and being like "OHEMGEEE. OMGG. Like omg." I don't know. Ahah. Anyway, Thanks.(: Made me feel better.

Got picked up and at home now. I should be showering but I'm blogging. Sigh.

"You make it hard to smile cause you make it hard to breathe."

There's nothing left to do.

But move forward.

Partyy(:

Cousin was at the mall when I went over to her house so me and my sister played video games with my little cousin till she came back. Made pizza.(: It was pretty good. Played video games while it baked. Ate. Talked. Discussed dead people and politics and fetishes and stuff. LOL. Ate delicious cake. Chocolate, vanilla, caramel layered icecream cake. So good. Slept pretty early. Woke up, played video games. Made pizza, but while we were waiting for it to back, we ate cake. Cake for breakfast.<3 Played consecutive hours of video games. LOL. Then went to an indoor badminton court and played. Helluh intense. 2 hours of that. Then home to play more video games. Ate dinner there then left.

Now I'm gonna watch Hannah Montana till 10 then sleep.

Satisfying day.(:

So today, the first thing i noticed was how pretty the weather was. I instantly smiled. "My ideal weather is warm and bright. The sun never fails to make me smile." Yessir. Man, I've been memorizing my poems so much, i can't get them outta my head.xD Waited fairly long for the bus since it usually just comes when i walk out. Saw Lucy, she said hi to me and i told her to tell Ryan i wouldn't make it. Sorry, EAG. OoS is above you on my list of priorities.. I hope I'm not letting Esmerelda down. Man, I'm so afraid of disappointing people, it's become a worry on my mind every day. After everything i do, i think, "I wonder if _____ is pleased by it." or "I wonder if _____ liked it." or "I wonder if ____ thought i did good." I'm just so afraid to disappoint anyone.

Got there on time and helped Zoe put the leaves back on the tree. Some of them were really stupid so we just threw it out. Made small talk. I appreciate you trying to make conversation. We really need to get along and work together on the YAB. More people came to help and yeah. Talked to Freddie. AKA Fredward.(: I call him that and he just stares at me. Then we start laughing. LOL i don't even know. Then i was freaking out over Christian's blister and Freddie told me to get rid of my fear and bite his blister. -shivers- NO THANKS. I rather have my fear. LOLL. And he was so graphic about it too. Describing his blister juice and stuff. EWW. Ahaha. My Theater class loves me this much.xD

Went over the tour where we were suppose to show. Chilled until they came. Then we went outside and talked. I didn't get the chance to talk. Ohwell.(: ATEE.(: Went through the tour. Christian forced me to talk.-__- LOL. Goodstuff. Then came back and ate again. Ohmy.(: The potato salad was good. They kept on eating pickles. Pickles look nasty. .__. Not much happened. Just chatted. Wednesday night, meeting. Cause Zoe can't make it at 1 on Wednesdays. .__. Then my mommy picked me up.

Dentist. He says probably 4 more months! Just gotta fix my minor overbite. :D Yay. Then ate at ABC. Now I'm home. Showered and I'm gonna go to my cousin's party later.

Since i performed my poem yesterday, i might as well write it out for ya'll. Also, to get it off my chest cause its still in my brain.

Where I'm From by Jessica Ling.

The place I'm from is San Francisco.
Where you can never count on the weather or the busses.
Not a lot happens around here but when it does, everyone knows.
Everyone also knows Berta.
The lady who we all see at busstops and around Mission.
No one knows where she's going or where she's from.
But what we do notice is that she's always hunched over.
As if bowing down to some God. Her God.
She begs for money all the time
And she's just not doing so good.
She looks like she's on drugs when she probably can't even afford food.

Where I'm from, you get judged.
Everything you do, wear, or even say,
They're going to take it and twist it around until they make a story out of it.
No one takes the time to get to know you.
But maybe it's cause they don't have the time.
Everyone always has something to do. Somewhere to be.
You really have to rely on your self
Cause rain or shine, you still have responsibilities.

And at the end of the day, all the strangers you see on the street are still strangers. With their own lives. Own story. Own background.
Where I'm from, you never truly know somebody.
No one cares to anyway.
Where I'm from is not such a bad place. Not at all.
But it's not where i want to stay.

Wrote this from memory. That's how well i know it now. .__. LOL.

Christian gave me his nametag.(:

Me? A flirt?

Not at all. I'm just having fun with people who make me laugh and smile.

I'm not looking for anything serious.

Wait, scratch that. I'm not looking for anything. Period.

I don't need it. Not for a long time.

So please don't fall for me. I'll only hurt you. I wasn't leading you on, i was only being friendly.

Amazing night! Stage kisses, stage fights &helium.(:

It was suppose to be hot today! So cold though. Beliz, I wanted nothing more than to sleep. So tired. Houston, finished up hw. Started Roots. Gym, talked to Carmen, Jacky, and Garrett about foooood. I love how we just chachatchat and Glassman doesn't know.(: Lunch, drama club. Nothing though. Diana gave me get extracredit worksheet to copy. Thankyou! Usually don't copy work.. But I did half and I didn't to do it lastnight. Holaday, blogging. Funny how Holaday walked by twice and didn't even catch me when I didn't even notice she was there. Fail. LOL I hate working in groups cause everyone is stupid as hell the hakgwais love being in a group with me cause they think I'm smart. They stupid as fuck.-__-

Cossick, powerpoint presentations. Dayana's was good. :0 Afterschool, went home, then to Lick. We were pretty late. LOL. Talked to Eli. Went down and ran and jumped into Jesse's arms.(: The first workshop we went to was stage fighting. But before that, Eli challenged me to some basketball so i took off my heels and got my game on! :D He won, of course. I only made one basket the whole day. LMAO! We finally got partnered up and started. Omg, at first, Francisco was in front of me and Eli was in front of Stacy. I helluh didn't wanna do it with Francisco and by some miracle, Eli got me instead. The teacher taught us and practiced on me.

I looked at Eli and he was smirking, doing beating up motions. I don't trust this boy one bit! He was like "Oh, you're gonna get your ass beat." Then we did scenes of me punching him and bringing him to his knees. He looks so pitiful when he begs, i had to stop even if i wasn't punching him for real. Then he got up and slapped me and punched me till i hit the wall. Everyone was like "WHOAA." LOL. Yee.(: Then we went outside and me and Eli had 'house' which he trapped me into.xD Got food. Sat together while Eli dipped my cookie in nacho cheese. I made him eat it. And he ate like half of my hotdog. Don't make me laugh while eating! They were talking about how some girls refuse to eat in front of boys cause they don't want to look like a fatfuck. Look at me, stuffing my face, talking with my mouth full, burping. I'm as guyish as they come.xD

Also, Eli was obsessing over my jeggings. And apparently, everyone knows what they are now. I guess it's going to be the new 'in' thing. .__. LMAO. Went in, played basketball some more. Went over my poem one more time. Got it, good. Got some audience in. Then i had to start without warning. I was breathless, and i really didn't feel the nervousness or anxiety. I slightly mad at myself though, i messed up! I tripped over the line "At the end of the day, the strangers you see on the street..ect." I just said "The strangers on the street..ect." Agh! I was going to start the line over and repeat it but i looked out into the audience and figured all but one of them will never know i messed up, so i kept going. I looked out into the audience and looked at Freddie and Amy. They looked proud. That's definitely a good feeling.

We went back outside and got food. They were playing with helium. Ahaha. Passing it around like we were smoking or something. So hilarious.xD Talked with Claudia a bit and yeah. Eli and Mimi drew a line that went through the whole yard so we followed it. There were twists and jumps and stuff too. Ahaha. Eli and i blew up balloons with his lighter. Why he had a lighter with him, i dunno, but its probably not good. LOL. It was pretty funny though. Then we did some stage kissing. Damn at Christian and Eli's kiss. Guys from the back thought it was real and they were like OMG!! So Mireya was like "Funny how some people think stage kissing is real." and they were like "Ohh." LOLOL!

Me and Eli went inside and went on the couch. He had be under him so i couldn't get out. We joked around about sleeping there and getting up on Sunday. LOL. Then everyone joined and we had an orgy on the couch.(; Eli kept bouncing his leg on my boobs so i started humping it. LOLOL. Helped Amy clean up. Thanks Mireya for helping me wash shit! I can't wash dishes for crap.D: LOL. Then brought cardboard downstairs to the parking lot. Tripped on the stairs. My ankle hurts whenever i move it. Went back upstairs and looked at pictures. Talked to Claudia, then me and Christian were on our way. Saw Evan. Uhm, called Jorge to pick me up and yeah. That's it.

The only downfall of tonight is the way my ankle hurts so badly. I tripped while going down stairs carrying big batches of cardboard and yeah.. Ouch. Christian offered to carry me back up, but i said I'd limp my way back. Ahah. Thanks though.(:

This amazing night makes up for the other nights of loneliness and depressing-ness i had this week.

"You make me happy, whether you know it or not."

Fuckthis.

I'm sleeping shirtless tonight!

Feels so much better.(:

Times like these..

I wish i was a guy.

Its so hot, i want to take off my shirt and pants and chill in boxers. But since I'm a girl, i can't chill in bra and undies. -__-

Not fucking fair.

Pink clouds &the sun.(:

This morning. Pink clouds. Enough said. Beliz, did our skit. I'm glad we did too even though they didn't want to. Full points. Yee. Now all I'm focused on is my poem I have to perorm on Friday. Agh.

Houston, he gave us helluh work to do. -__- Looks like I have homework.

Homeroom, nada. Except Dayana told me that she wanted to burst out laughing during my powerpoint presentation because whenever she looks at me, she wants to laugh. Cause I'm such a funny person or something. Ahaha. I'm glad i can make someone laugh. As my poem says "I love the sound of laughter." GAH, speaking of that. Need to perfect it. After, Javon harassed me about KevinS. Saying he was my friend and i liked him and stuff. HELL TO THE NO! LOLOL. I miss having Spanish and shit talking about him though!(:< Gym, talk time with Jacky, Carmen, and them. When Glassman comes over to yell at us for not doing anything, Jacky says we're talking about Baseball. And he gets all excited and forgets she's mad at us. LMFAO. Good talks. Lunch, nothing much. Lovin the heat.(: Bio, interesting. We went outside to do a lab. The black guys wanted to join my group cause they think I'm the smartest one in the class. Lol. Gonzo, switched seats again. Easier to blog, I guess. But I'm alone.): Afterschool, i really didn't want to go to Out of Site. And the slow busses were persuading me even more to skip. But i fought myself and went anyways. I decided i would painfully get through it. But ChristianR came and we started talking and making fun of people. Well, kinda. Saying how we didn't remember that one girls name. Turns out it was Monica. We cracked up helluh. Went inside, listened to some tracks. Blahblah. Made groups. Me, ChristianR, Monica, and Harry. It took us 1 and a half hours to get in a snare. And we still don't have it down! Too slow. Too fast. Too ugly sounding. Annoying ring. Off tempo. AGH. We just decided to play some bongos. Christian- pro as fuck. I was complaining about how ghost notes were helluh hard. I didn't even notice he was just doing a simple 3-2 skip. He was like "Naaah." and taught me. Omg, i got better. Thank you! I can somewhat do it.<3 Usually, I have too much pride to ask you guys for help. But you're so good and I'm so suckish, it's kind of embarrassing as well. Thanks a lot. I didn't even have to ask, you taught me anyway.:D We stayed in for lunch a little. Then we went outside, but we saw there was no food. Christian got some chip things and we went back. He ate one then said it was SO horrible, he couldn't spit it out or anything. I was telling him to spit it over the thing so it'll hit someone. "Don't make me laugh!!" Ahaha. He gave me one to try and it wasn't as bad as he dramatized it to be but it wasn't tasty. Recorded others. Yee. Laughed a lot cause i kept messing up. The computer and mic hate me. LOL. But we got really good laughs out of it. I love how ChristianR laughs so easy! I adore it when I'm the one who makes him laugh. Cause i try so hard to make people laugh, but i usually get just a smile. I envy the people who are so naturally funny, they make everyone laugh without trying. Sigh. Anyway, messed around more. I had to pee so bad. LOL. I talked about how i thought Jose was Jorge and when we went inside, i muttered "Jorge." to Christian while Jose was talking. He laughed so hard! LMAO! Also, when i thought undoing the undo was Apple Shift X. But it was Apple Shift Z. LMFAO! Just cause the X was next to the Z.xD

I'm glad i didn't listen to myself and not go to OoS. And i was so wrong about you. I regret not getting to know you better last year. Well, at least we're getting closer now.(: Unfortunately, you'll be leaving soon. You all are. Seniors. Gotta move of with your lives. Times like these, I'm scared to death. And i wish i were older sometimes. I'm much too dependent on OoS to make me happy and make everything better again. Next year, I'm on my own. And I'm so scared. I assure you, I'm cherishing every moment i have with you guys. It's going to come to an end very soon.

On a happier note, I can't wait for Pie Ranch.(:

"Too much. Too much is never enough. I had you but i gave you up."

Holymotherfucker.

The clouds are pink again! It looks magnificent with the sky being baby blue.

If this is how you repay me for a crappy day yesterday, you're forgiven. It's absolutely beautiful.

I think I've fallen in love again.(: So beautiful.

This week..

Why is this week so busy? I desperately need sleep, but i obviously can't get it.

2 performances. Tuesday and Friday.

2 presentations. English, powerpoint presentation. Spanish, skit.

5 tests. English, 2 for Spanish, gym, Adv. Alg.

Meeting/conference. Saturday morning.

Party. Saturday night.

Shoot me, please.

Mood swings. ._.

I had so many mood swings today. In the morning, i was happy. Then a little disappointed. Then happy again. Then neutral. Then annoyed. Then depressed. Then energetic. A little jealousy mixed in there somewhere. Then lonely. Then excited. Then surprised/in shock. Then high. Then back to depressed.

Yeah, you had to witness me being so stupid today. Squealing over the pink clouds. Then freaking out and 'yelling' at you for telling me i had to perform. Then high with the old man. Agh. My emotions are all over the place.

Boring day.

What beautiful weather it is today.(: Beliz, studied/talked the majority of the period. Then took the vocab test. Houston, I did 1-3 but I found out I only had to do 6-9. I was so mad. LOL. Assembly thing. Cossick, more presentations. "That's hot." "You're hot." LOL Ben.xD I feel at ease coming to class now since i already presented. Lunch, not much. Enjoying the sunn!(: Gonzo, test and blogging. I feel like I want to laugh really hard but I have no reason to.. I don't even know.

Afterschool, went home. Waited so long for the bus. Home, music and stuff. Then headed out to OoS at 3:30. Talked about "That's what she said." alternatives. Class, it was only me and Christian. We chilled till Jessica came. Then Eli and Alexis came later. Then eventually, Mireya came. Did my skit thing. Sigh. Practiced, practiced. Eli doesn't know how to hold a baby. L-M-F-A-O. He holds it like he's holding a video game control. Ahahah! Oh yeah, I'd want someone like that to be my babydaddy. Forsure.

Break, Stacy came. Sat alone for a bit. Talked to Christian a little. Talked to Stacy a little bout Paranormal Activity 2. .__. Do not wanna watch it. LOL. Hmm. Went back in, did mine again then did a hand activity thing. I was trying to make it look sexual, but say it innocently. Like -jacking off motions- "I shake whipped cream." -sucking dick motion- "I eat bananas." LOLOL. Partnered with Christian. Yeah, i don't know what else. I'm feeling kind of off in OoS now. It's almost as if i don't belong there anymore. I hope it's all in my head. I miss old times.

Hung around for a bit. When we left, the clouds were so amazing. THEY WERE PINK! I'm not even kidding. It was amazing, i almost died cause i was too busy staring and walking into the street. LOL. Then i was acting all high. I had shorts under my dress so i was hiking it up and putting stuff in my pockets. "I'm fancy." LOL. Then i saw this old man staring at me so i started talking to him? Going like "HEY BABY. I see you staring at me. Want some of this?" then i lifted my dress up and attempted to flash him but he already walked back into his house since he was staring at me from his window. Then this lady came and just stood there on the opposite side of the street, in front of the house. Me- "Sorry, are you his wife? Sorry! I didn't know he was taken. I thought he was single and i had a chance. Don't get all jealous. Shiet." stuff like that. Christian just stared at me with an amused expression. Then my contacts started acting up and i was tearing up, a lot.

I pretended it was because he told me that i might have to perform my poem on Friday. "Boy, you better be lying! If you're telling the truth, i will kill you." Funny. Then on the bus, it got bad and tears just started flowing out of my left eye. "Awwww, are you crying? So cute!" me- "STFU. Why is it only coming out of one eye then?!" LOL. Stupid Christian, finding amusement from my pain. LOL. Then i got picked up. Oh, i got my Clipper card. Funny cause me and Christian were just complaining about how we didn't wanna get one. I didn't even know my mom got one for me. LOL. And he's not gonna be here tomorrow so i might skip. LOL.

"And the chances that i have to make you smile, aren't coming around."

(:

jessicaling0 7:27 am
(7:27:47 AM): OBVIOUSLY, i got drunk off my ass
(7:27:52 AM): and fucked a whole bunch of random guys
(7:27:55 AM): (:

Yup, that's what happened last night. I'm so fancy..

No jk. I assure you that no alcohol or guys... wait.. naked guys, were involved.(:

I had an amazing night.

But now, i am so tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally.

Time to call it a night. I hope for another good day, guys.(:

First performance of the year.(:

I presented in English. I was so nervous and scared. I was at a loss for words and kept stuttering. Fuuck. Nothing that interesting happened in school so I'll just blog about OoS.

Went straight there with Nguyet. Got semi-lost. Ahah. Got there. Jesse and Christian were already there.(: Walked around for a bit. Don't remember but i had on and off headaches. Francisco takes his chances and keeps touching me now.-__- Fucking fucker. He would touch me in some way every single time he passed me. What. The. Fuck. I thought i made it clear for you to GTFO. Whatever. Washed shit with Claudia. Talked to Kahlil a little. Talked to Jesse. I thought his last name was Burns when it was Ruben. LMFAOLMFAO! I'm sorry. That's not even close.XD He was telling me how they showed the video at the assembly and he was like "They cut off my parts but when you went on, everyone was like 'DAYUUUUMM. Who's that girl?!'" He said i looked confident with a big, pretty smile on my face. I told him that in reality, i was shaking and stuttering. He says it wasn't noticable. Oh, you sweet talker!xD And then he had to go.): Tody, i just noticed how pretty his eyes were. Theyre like hazel, lined with green. It was so.. OMGOMGOMG beautiful! Got food first though. LOL. Drew a penis on Christians arm.(: But he turned it into a face. .__. LOL.

Sat and talked to John. He went to Denman. WTFWTFWTF! I said he was a liar but he named teachers and everything too! Omg. I never even seen him around. He doesn't believe i went there either. LOLL. After a long time, everyone left. Then we started performing. Omg, so intense. It was chill at first. Until we got to the 6/8. Then i was getting a little tired. Then we moved on to that intense shit and i felt like my arm was going to fall off. It burned so bad and Alfie kept telling us to go faster and harder. Me- AHHOMGOMGOMGFMLLLLLL. While Christian looked fine. But i found out he got a really bad blister/cut from it. I cringe every time i look at it. ASDFGHJKL;. Then after the first set, we decided to leave. We took the 14, talked about how if someone tried to rape me, I'd rip their balls off. Ahaha.

This blog feels so short but it was actually really amazing. My arms really hurt but i know I'll feel the pain tomorrow. My legs are killing me. But most importantly, my cheeks hurt from laughing and smiling too much. I love you boys. I wish all of you could've showed up. But i had a great time!(:

Now I have to shower. I didn't even have time to eat dinner yet. I hope i didn't have any homework. Oh, i was so concerned with the pain in my arms and legs, I didn't notice the giant bruise on my leg. Lovely. I miss this.(:

"Don't throw me away. There's no way out. I gotta hold you somehow."