Deathbed.

"Mommy, can we visit daddy today?" Allison looked up at me with her father's brown eyes, hope filled in them.

I was about to tell her no. Just like i have for 2 years now. But everyday, she never fails to ask me. But today, something made me think twice about saying no. December 19. The date made me cringe. Would i be able to handle seeing him again?

"No." i mumbled, answering my own question rather than hers.

"Is he too busy? Are you too tired?" She listed the usual excuses that i give.

It breaks my heart to see how determined she is. The determination her father always carried. But she wouldn't understand so I'm determined to protect her from the truth. Our time together was much too short. But then again, even if i spent forever with him, it would be too short.

"Mama? Why did he leave? He doesn't love me anymore?" her lip quivering.

"No, baby. He would always love you. He will always care about you. He never wanted to be away from you." This is what i told myself everyday. He did love me, right?

"Then why don't i ever see him? Why don't you ever let me see him? Why doesn't he come to visit me?" She had so many questions. I didn't know how to answer her without telling her the truth and breaking her.

"You know what, honey? We're going to see him. Finish your cereal." I sighed. I couldn't deny her forever. I couldn't deny myself forever. I tried to shut it out of my life. I tried to forget. The tears on my pillow can tell you that i failed.

"Yes! We're finally gonna see daddy!" she squealed in excitement. It's going to hurt even more to see her little heart get broken.

We stopped at a corner store and i bought flowers. We drove to a place that no one would want to be. It only meant pain. I got the room number from a nice young nurse and slowly walked by dozens of rooms with crying people and dying patients.

705. I touched the room number once and hesitated to turned the knob. My daughter took hold of my hand and looked up at me with questioning eyes. I slowly turned the knob and pushed it open, my eyes tightly shut. I mentally prepared myself for what i was going to see. I took a step forward and looked at my husband for the first time in 2 years. Guilt flushed through my body as i saw him laying there. Tubes and wires were still connected to him. But he still looked beautiful. I slowly walked towards him, as if something bad would happen if i walked quicker.

The curtain was slightly open and let some light though, illuminating the room just a bit. He looked so peaceful, just laying there. I was by his side now. I lifted my hand but dropped it, afraid to touch him. So i lay the flowers by his side and admired his beauty. The thing i missed most about him was his voice. Or maybe it was his eyes. Or the way he would hold me, and everything seemed right. Either way, i couldn't have it again. I lost hope 2 years ago.

"Happy anniversary.." I said in a quiet voice. I didn't realize i was crying until a tear landed on his cheek. Without thinking, i wiped it off. But i didn't remove my hand. I gently caressed his cheek, which was once so full of color. He looked pale, in a very sickening way.

I sighed. "I am so sorry. I gave up on you. I lost hope.." Saying it out loud just made it seem so much more real. "I didn't want to hurt anymore, you know?" 'And how's that working out for you?' i imagined him say with venom in his voice. "I'm the worst wife in the world. Can i even call myself that? I'm the worst mother in the world." i looked down at Alli, who stood by my side, staring. 'No you're not', he would comfort me now. He would hold me in his arms and whisper in my ear how it was not my fault. How no one could watch the love of their life lying on their deathbed.

"I don't think he will make it. Should we pull the plug? It's all in your hands now." the doctor interrupted my quiet sobs.

"Pull the p-plug?" I stuttered. Thoughts of him being officially dead haunted me. I shook my head ferociously as warm tears slid down my cheek. If it wasn't for Alli, i would've said yes. Then i would join him in heaven. But what would a 6 year old do without her mother and her father? I shut everyone else out of my life, afraid to get close to anyone.

"Miss, he is occupying this room while there are patients who are in need of a room. He probably won't make it anyway." He states.

"Take that back! Take that fucking back!" I took a few steps towards him, ready to punch him right in the face.

"I apologize. I am way out of line. He can have the room until he wakes up. Forget i was here." He backed out of the room as i glared at him.

"Already trying." I spat at him, though he couldn't hear me. "I brought Alli. She bugs me everyday about seeing you." my voice got softer as i spoke to my husband. 'Alli. You're so grown up now!' his eyes would light up as he throws her into the air. He would catch her and give her the biggest hug ever.

"Hi daddy." she said timidly as she hid behind me.

"I am truly sorry for giving up on you. In sickness and in health. I will be here for you now, i promise." I wondered if he could understand what i was saying. I wonder if he hated me. "I wouldn't blame you if you hated me.. Maybe i should leave." i slowly took off the ring that he gave me 4 years ago and placed it on the table beside him.

There was a folded piece of paper there and my curiosity got the best of me. "Whats this?" i mumbled as Allison was next to her dad now, holding his hand. I slowly opened the note and let out a shaky breath.

"'Till death do us part. I love you." the note read. How is it that he still made me feel so right without even knowing. He's not dead yet, so i shouldn't give up. I took both the ring and the note and put it in my pocket.

"Mama. I can read daddy's mind. He is dreaming about you. He says he loves you and we'll all be together soon." Allison said to me.

I laughed a softly and smiled. "I know, darling. Everything's gonna be okay." I grabbed her hand and led her out of the room.

"'Till death do us part, right? Keep fighting. I love you so much." I whispered and blew him a kiss. This time when i closed the door to his room, i knew i would be back. Very soon.
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Yeah, just something i wrote when inspiration struck. I haven't done one is so long. I changed the ending last minute. Enjoy, i guess.

-JessicaLing(: